Yes, I had intercourse with Ronald Herran. Yes, I am aware that this was strictly against the rules of the hospital, as well as being against my own moral code of behavior. I refuse to lie and say that I did it for any therapeutic benefit for Ronnie, although I believe it did help him. I did it because I wanted to do it. I wanted Ronnie. Simple as that.
I did it because Ronnie Herran was extremely attractive. While his body had grown soft and distorted, there was something inexplicably sexual about him. And then there was his blue eyes and freckled face, which were painfully endearing. I was unable to resist him, even though I was fully aware what I was doing was wrong.
I suppose at age 29, one’s own sexual orientation should not come as any sort of surprise. So yes, I was fully aware of the fact that I was exclusively attracted to other men and never to women. I have always been cognizant of this. But I always believed that I would still find a woman that I connected with on some level and I would be able to perform for her. And if this did not happen, I was content to spend my life alone. A life of solitude would be preferable to allowing my parents to discover the truth about me. It would have killed them, especially after all the sacrifices they have made so that I might get to the position where I am today.
Fortunately, most advances I received from men were by older men such as Lewis Patterson, who disgusted me for the most part. Those were simple to resist. I never counted on receiving such an obvious pass from an attractive boy like Ronnie Herran. It proved to be too much for me. I was ashamed, I suppose. But I was also happy, perhaps for the first time in my life.
And now that those doors had been opened, there was no going back. I had no desire to go back. I wanted to continue to explore my sexuality with Ronnie. And if I could be candid for a moment, I loved the feel of his penis in my throat. I loved watching him fumble with his paralyzed hand to touch my erect member. I loved sliding my penis into his tight rectum.
However, it was by no means just about sex. Although I was not at this moment, I could envision myself falling in love with Ronnie. And perhaps it was just making excuses for my inappropriate behavior, but I believed I could truly help him.
In the week that followed, Ronnie and I were intimate nearly every day. At every chance I could find, I came to his room under the guise of a therapy session, locked the door, and we pleasured each other. And when that was over, we talked. Not as therapist and patient, but as friends, as lovers. Ronnie’s disability was forcing him to mature in ways that surprised both of us. He was completely focused on his goals.
And I wanted to help Ronnie to achieve his goals. Yes, he would need 24-hour a day care for the rest of his life. Ronnie knew that. But that was no reason he couldn’t gain employment and live in an apartment someday. Perhaps even my apartment. (But that was getting ahead of myself.)
I can honestly say that this week with Ronnie was the happiest week of my life to that point. I had been aware that I was living a lie, but I had not realized until then how much this lie had affected me. All I could think about was how Ronnie would fit into my new life.
Until Julian LaRoche showed up in my office.
The moment I laid eyes on his slim but athletic build and slightly receding blond hair, I sensed that Julian could bring nothing but bad news. I knew he had upset Ronnie badly on his last visit and I didn’t intend to repeat his offense. I supposed he was here for one last fling with his twenty year old former lover, but I resolved to prohibit him from hurting Ronnie again.
“What do you want, Mr. LaRoche?” I asked him coldly.
“It’s good to see you again too, Dr. Wilson,” Julian said, as he sat down in front of my desk.
“I’m very busy,” I said. “Is there some particular matter you wanted to discuss with me?”
Julian shifted in his seat, “I made a mistake.”
“Pardon?”
“I made a mistake,” Julian repeated. “I shouldn’t have let Ronnie go. I’m still in love with him.”
I felt my heart accelerating in my chest. I looked down and saw that my left leg stump had begun twitching. “What?”
“I can’t stop thinking about Ronnie,” Julian said. “I know you probably believe I’m just a dirty old man who was using him for sex, but I assure you that wasn’t the case at all. I love Ronnie. I want him to move in with me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”
I placed my hand on the stump of my left leg to try to ease the twitching. I cleared my throat. “You mean you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of him...”
Julian smiled. “I don’t think of it that way.”
“Well, perhaps you should,” I said. I felt guilty trying to persuade Julian he was making a mistake. At this moment, I was not acting in my patient’s best interests. Strangely enough, I believed Julian to be sincere. But I could not bear the thought of losing Ronnie. Thus I continued: “Ronnie needs 24 hour a day care. He needs you to take care of his every basic need. Are you prepared to do this?”
“Yes,” Julian replied without hesitation. “I’ve already inquired about a nurse to help me take care of him. I am resolved to do this. I can’t stand another day apart from him.”
I felt a sweat break out on my brow. “You understand what his needs are, don’t you? He needs help feeding himself, he is completely unable to dress himself or get into his wheelchair by himself. He is bladder and bowel incontinent...”
“I get it,” Julian said. He shook his head. “I don’t care. I want to be with Ronnie.”
“You’re picturing him as being a twenty year old kid forever,” I pointed out. “As a quadriplegic, he’ll age faster than most people. And he’ll likely gain a great deal of weight.”
Julian stared at me. “I don’t understand... last time you wanted me to take Ronnie home with me. What is this?” He frowned at me for a moment, his brow furrowed, then suddenly his eyes widened. “Oh, I get it, Doctor Wilson... you and Ronnie have a little thing going, don’t you?”
He seemed so maddeningly certain. I could not speak. My face turned a shade of crimson.
Julian laughed. “Don’t get so flustered, doctor. It’s okay... I know how sexy Ronnie is.” He leaned toward me in a confidential manner, “And I just want you to know that you are most certainly free to join us at any time. I for one would welcome an attractive young man such as yourself.”
“Fuck you,” I said. I’ve never said those words before to anyone in my entire life, but I felt it with every bone in my body. I despised Julian LaRoche.
But I couldn’t think of myself. I had to think of Ronnie, my patient. No matter what life was like in the care of Julian LaRoche, it was undoubtedly better than what he would encounter in a nursing home. The truth was that Julian had done nothing to me aside proposing to steal a love that I likely should not have had in the first place. It appeared that Julian was sincere about wanting to take care of Ronnie and I could not fault him from initially shunning such a weighty responsibility. And I could certainly sympathize with Julian. If I were capable of providing that sort of care for Ronnie, I would have taken him into my home in an instant.
Julian raised his brows at me, but said nothing. I had to respect that Julian didn’t stoop to the low level I had set. I knew I was acting extremely unprofessionally, but Julian never faulted me for it. The only thing I saw in his eyes was understanding. I felt suddenly shamed by my behavior. “I apologize,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Apology accepted,” Julian said, smiling at me. “May I see Ronnie now?”
“Of course, you realize the decision is his,” I said.
“Of course,” Julian said, although it was clear he believed the decision would be in his favor. There was little doubt in my own mind either. But a part of me was optimistic that Ronnie might still reject Julian in favor of our own relationship.