I don’t know what got me crying exactly. Jason asked me if I wanted him to put me in my wheelchair and usually I’ve been pretty psyched to get in the chair, but today I was like, “Nah, that’s okay.”
I had been thinking a lot about me being a quad and all. It’s kind of funny in a way because there were all these times in my able-bodied life when I was all fucked up on shit and people needed to carry me around and clean me up. And in a way, I kind of liked that. Like when I’d come home, barely able to stand up, and Julian would do everything for me, like getting me undressed and washing me off. He even cleaned up my puke lots of times.
But the thing that sucks is when you need to be taken care of, but nobody cares about you enough to actually do it. Like when I was in high school and living with my parents and I’d go out and get fucked up, then try to come home. My dad would see me stumbling in and he’d tell me to get the hell out of his house. Lots of times, he physically picked me up and dumped me out on our lawn and I wound up just sleeping in mud. Then after I left home, there were lots of times I couldn’t find a place to crash and I’d wind up passed out on the street, in my own puke and shit and whatever else. I was really a mess.
Anyway, that’s what I thought of when Michelle said I was going to Cabot. Because I know I’ve got to have help with pretty much everything now and I didn’t want to be in a place where they weren’t going to take care of me. I wanted to be in a place where I could hang out with the other residents maybe, get to study for my diploma, or whatever else. I mean, I’m only twenty and there are still like a million things left that I want to do with my life and I don’t even care that I’m a quad because I’m still doing them. My main goal in life is to eventually get out of the nursing home and into an apartment where I can hire people to help take care of me. But I had to be in a place where I could do that.
So I guess that was why I started crying. I was embarrassed about crying and I knew somebody was going to know because I had to get cleaned up. Lucky thing, it was Ned who was the first person to see me. He was all concerned and wanting to know how he could help me. But there really wasn’t a lot he could do.
Ned cleaned up my face with a tissue, which made me feel a little better. “Can you blow my nose?” I asked him.
“Sure,” he said. He held the tissue over my nose and I blew into it. He wiped up my nose.
“Thanks,” I said.
Ned leaned forward. “Ronnie, would it make you feel any better if I told you that you’re not going to be sent to Cabot?”
I think my jaw almost dislocated. “I’m not? But Michelle told me...”
“I know what she told you,” Ned said. “But I spoke with Dr. Sherman and you’re going to be staying here for a little longer while Michelle looks into finding a different home. I don’t think Cabot is a good place for you.”
Just like that, I felt about a hundred percent better. It was like I was being given a second chance after I fucked everything up so badly. I felt so happy, I wished my arms worked better so I could hug Ned. I decided that no matter what it took, I was going to figure out a way to get my GED and get myself a job eventually. I wasn’t going to screw things up this time. “Thanks, Ned,” I said, trying not to start crying all over again.
“You’re welcome,” Ned said. He was holding my hand with his good hand and I could see him stroke my hand with his thumb. It was kind of a nice gesture, even though I couldn’t feel him doing it.
His hand holding mine was sort of resting on my lap and I guess the whole interaction was stimulating my genitals because I noticed when I looked down that I had a pretty big hard-on. Of course, a big hard-on for me isn’t all that impressive anymore unfortunately, but it was still big enough to make a tent in my pants which Ned noticed. He turned all red and let go of my hand.
“Sorry,” I said sheepishly. But I wasn’t really sorry. In my experience, boners usually lead to good things.
“That’s all right,” Ned said. I noticed he was still staring at it though. He was really cute then, looking all uncomfortable and trying not to seem interested.
I was staying hard and there was this long silence. I wanted to tell Ned about how much I liked him, but I thought it might be the wrong thing to do. Instead, I said, “Ned, I think I got a spasm in my right arm. In the upper part. Can you massage it a little bit so it’ll stop hurting?”
I didn’t really have a spasm in my arm and I’m not sure if Ned believed me, but he agreed to massage it. He used his good arm to rub the muscles in my paralyzed arm. I could feel it a little bit and it was getting me even harder. I felt like I was ready to bust and I didn’t know what to do.
That’s when I looked down at Ned’s pants and I saw that he was hard too.
I was so excited when I saw Ned’s hard-on. After Julian dumped me, I had really bought into what Shane and Henry had said about not getting any sex after becoming a quad. I mean, my body was pretty bad now and it’s not like I had any privacy to fool around. And I couldn’t exactly go clubbing like this... what was I supposed to do, bring my nurse with me? I guess I believed I was eventually going to have sex again, but I kind of accepted that it was going to be a while. Maybe months, maybe years, maybe even ten or twenty years. To be honest, I kind of had this plan that when I got out of the nursing home, if I couldn’t get sex easy, I’d hire someone. I mean, I wasn’t kidding myself that there were going to be guys jumping to fuck a forty year old quad. But in any case, it was a long way away.
I knew I had to be careful with Ned because I didn’t want to scare him away. He was still rubbing my arm, but he kept eying my hard-on, still very visible through my pants. I said to him, “What I really need is someone to help me with that.”
Ned looked very nervous. “As I told you, many quadriplegics get involved in serious relationships.”
“That’s great, but what am I supposed to do now?” I looked at him expectantly. “I mean, I can’t even pull my pants down. It’s sort of frustrating.” I stopped for a second and our eyes connected. “Can you please help me, Ned?” I asked him.
He stared at me, shocked. I was scared I had gone too far, but I had already said it. I lowered my eyes. “Come on, I know I’m like this freak and all, but... I can’t help what my penis does. Please, Ned...” I thought I was going to start crying again, I wanted this so bad.
“How many times do I have to tell you,” Ned began, “you’re not a freak.”
I pressed the inside of my wrist against the waistband of my sweatpants, trying to get them to come down. I couldn’t do it. I was thinking to myself, Fuck! I’m really fucking crippled! I can’t even pull my goddamn pants down by myself! I kept trying to get them down and started crying at the same time too. I knew I had really blown it with Ned. I was dumb to think he’d want to get involved with someone like me anyway. He was just being nice to me because he’s a nice, caring guy and I took it to mean more than it was. I was so dumb.
Ned cleaned up my face for the second time in like half an hour. My eyes felt really puffy and I’m sure I looked awful. “I’m really sorry,” I said to him.
Ned gently touched my shoulder. “It’s okay, Ronnie.”
“I’m just so used to being the old me,” I explained. “It was always all about sex. I got carried away.” I took a deep breath. “Plus... I guess I was feeling kind of bad about myself ever since Julian dumped me.”
Ned smiled. “I thought Julian was your uncle?”
I grinned. “Er... guess not. But you knew that already, right?”
“I’m not that gullible, Ron,” Ned said.
We both looked down and saw that my erection was still there. Instead of feeling glad, I felt kind of annoyed. It was embarrassing me. I had to remember that thing Shane told me: my body is like a machine now. Erections were something that was going to happen when I got stimulated too much by washing and stuff and I should just ignore them. “I don’t know why I’m still hard,” I said. “Usually I lose it pretty quick. Maybe my legbag is too full or something.”
“Do you want me to check for you?” Ned asked.
“Okay,” I said.
Ned pulled down my pants for me and I wasn’t wearing any underwear except for the protective underpads for if I shit myself. So as soon as my pants came down, my dick popped right out, all happy. Well, he wasn’t that happy because he had a big old catheter tube coming out.
Ned checked my legbag for me. “It looks okay, Ronnie,” he reported.
I frowned. “I don’t know then. I guess it’ll go down soon.”
I expected Ned to pull my pants back up, but instead he fingered my cock gently. I’m cut, which I think is good now, because otherwise my cock would probably look really small. I watched him touching me and my penis grew even bigger. I didn’t say anything though—I had learned my lesson.
“I’ll help you,” Ned decided all of a sudden.
“What?” I said. I thought I had heard wrong.
“Like you said, you can’t do it yourself,” Ned shrugged. “So I’ll help you get off... this one time. If you still want me to, that is?”
What a dumb question. “I still want you to.”
Ned looked over at the door to my room, which was closed. He ran his hand up and down the length of my cock, spending extra time near the head. I felt like I was holding my breath as he did this. I couldn’t really feel it at all, but there was this good nice feeling in my body. Plus just watching him touch me like that was really exciting for me.
Ned took out my catheter to make things easier. He seemed to really be getting into it, going faster and faster. I could still see his own penis through his pants, which looked pretty huge. I couldn’t even believe that Ned was giving me a hand job in my bed, it was so cool.
Then, without me even asking, Ned lowered his mouth onto my dick and pushed it deep down his throat. I was totally floored when he did that. I just breathed, “Wow.” He kept it in his mouth for a while, like he couldn’t get enough of it. Like I said, I still couldn’t really feel it, but my heart was racing and I could see sweat building up on my chest.
Ned alternated between using his hand and his mouth. I watched the whole thing in total awe. Finally, I felt this wave of something go through me and my whole body shook, like I was having a seizure or something. I shut my eyes tight and when I opened them, I could see some cum dripping down Ned’s chin. “Wow,” I said again.
Ned got a towel from the closet and wiped me off. I was all sweaty and I had cum a lot, since it had been a while. My right leg kept shaking, like it was still having an orgasm independently.
“That was great,” I said to Ned, when I got my voice back. “I didn’t expect you to... use your mouth.”
“Did you like it?” Ned asked. I could see he looked pretty nervous. I would have bet a million dollars he had never done anything like that before.
“I really really liked it,” I told him. He smiled at me. “In fact, I’d like to do the same for you.”
Ned bit his lip. He looked so fucking hot, I could barely stand it. “You’re my patient,” he said. “This is very unethical.”
“What? This is the best therapy ever,” I pointed out.
“Seriously,” Ned said. “I shouldn’t be doing this. You’re in a vulnerable state.”
“You already did it!” I cried. I couldn’t believe Ned was pulling his psychologist bullshit on me. “Look, are you attracted to me?”
Ned waited a long time before answering. “Yes. Very.”
“Then get your dick out here!”
What happened next happened really slowly. I don’t know if it was slow because Ned was going slow because he was scared or if it was just something I had wanted so bad, it felt a lot slower than it was. I watched Ned use his hand and his hook to undo his pants and he pulled them off. He was wearing tighty whities underneath and he got those off too. I looked at his legs stumps, which were very short, but also smooth and nice like I remembered his arm stump had been. What really surprised me though was Ned’s penis, which was really big and erect. It was actually even a little bit longer than his legs.
“You’re really big,” I said.
“I am?” Ned looked surprised. I guess he didn’t have much experience so he didn’t know, but I thought his was the biggest cock I had ever seen. He was way bigger than me, even before I got paralyzed.
Ned transferred into the bed next to me. As he moved, I could see his leg stumps wiggling. Once he was comfortable, he popped off his prosthetic arm and he took the stocking off his stump. Now I had a good view of all three of Ned’s stumps. I don’t know what it was, but I thought they were really beautiful. I stared at Ned’s large circumcised penis between his two little leg stumps and my arms twitched involuntarily. If I could have moved, I would have been sucking him off in two seconds.
“What should I do?” Ned asked me. He leaned toward me and with his arm stump, he rubbed my chest. It was such a turn on.
What I really wanted was for Ned to fuck me, but I was suddenly all paranoid about whether or not I was clean. I mean, if I had a big pile of shit back there, that might freak Ned out. Then again, he was a doctor. I couldn’t smell anything, so I was probably okay. And who knew when my next opportunity would be? “Can you roll me on my side?” I asked him. “Facing away from you?”
Ned got what I wanted him to do. It was hard for him to do it with just his one arm and I couldn’t give him much help. It’s weird to not be able to do a little thing like roll yourself on your side. I’m lucky everyone in rehab is really nice about helping me with stuff I can’t do. I hope when I’m living in a nursing home, it’ll be just as good.
He got me onto my side with one arm hanging down across my chest. I heard the drawer next to the bed opening and I guess he was getting out some surgical lube because I could hear him rubbing it on. I felt Ned’s hand on my shoulder and I knew he was pressing up against me. Now I have had a lot of stuff stuck up my ass over the years, but I’ve probably had even more than that since I got hurt. The doctors keep giving me these rectal exams, which I can’t feel at all. And then sometimes they stimulate me up there to get me to shit. None of it is sexy at all (unless maybe it’s Jason stimulating me), but when Ned got inside me, I could actually feel it! It was really amazing. I guess cuz he’s so big and he was pumping hard. I mean, it wasn’t super-intense or anything, but it was really really good.
I heard Ned groan loudly in my ear and then he went limp. I didn’t come, but my whole body felt good, even the parts I couldn’t feel. I wanted him to turn me over so I could look at him, but I guess he was too exhausted. Anyway, luck was on my side and I slid down onto my back. I could see my whole body was really sweaty, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Ned was lying next to me, his eyes shut, his legs stumps twitching and shivering. I could see santorum staining the sheets of the bed.
I felt really wiped out, but really good too. I looked over at Ned and smiled at him. He opened his eyes and smiled back. “Are you sorry you did that?” I asked him.
“No,” Ned said. “I’m not sorry. Not at all.”
“Maybe we could do it again sometime,” I suggested. I was praying he’d say yes, but I was never sure what to expect from Ned.
Ned smiled again. “Maybe we could do it again frequently.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. I just had sex with uptight Dr. Ned Wilson. Me, a quadriplegic. It was so cool. I kissed him on the shoulder (because I couldn’t reach his mouth).
As I lay in bed, I got to thinking how everything happens for a reason. Like maybe I got paralyzed so I could wind up meeting Ned and getting my life back on track. Like, maybe if I hadn’t got shot and become a quad, I would have wound up getting AIDS or getting killed some other way. So maybe this was fate or something. I don’t know if I believe in that stuff exactly, but I really believed that in many ways, I was better off now than I had been before. Maybe I wouldn’t say that once I got out of rehab, but that’s what I believed.
Ned and I got to talking and he said he was going to visit me a lot once I got placed in a nursing home. Like he’d come over and make sure I got my studying done for my GED, and then afterward, there’d be some you-know-what. The way he was talking about it, I was getting kind of excited about getting into the nursing home. Yeah, it would suck in some ways, but it would also be cool because it would be the beginning of a new life for me. As long as Ned was helping me, I felt like I could do this.