The Virgin


My name is Kevin, I’m 34 years old, a paraplegic, and as of last week, no longer a virgin. I’m writing this to share my experience with the world, with other guys who might be in a similar situation to myself, or with women who might be interested. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject of male virginity and I needed to get everything down on paper in order to sort it out in my mind.

It seems that somewhere between the ages of 18 and 22-25 society starts expecting men to no longer be virgins. Well, maybe "expecting" is not the right word, but that's the age range where I started feeling shame about being a virgin. There are many advantages to virginity: you know you're not diseased, you know you're not a dad and you don't have a woman who has reached deep into your inner feelings and can manipulate you with that leverage. A quick side note about diseases: besides the scary lifelong and life-threatening sexually transmitted diseases it is estimated that as many as 50% of sexually active singles have Genital Warts, for which there is no cure. They are extremely easy to transfer between partners and can be a precursor to penile, cervical and rectal cancer.

So the question is, out of all the millions of guys out there who are able to get laid, why was I still at virgin at age 34? I guess I would have to blame it on my wheelchair. Not so much the fact that I’m disabled but more the way it affects my self-confidence. I know I’m a very good looking guy, I’m in pretty good shape, I’m not losing my hair at all, but I still have no confidence when it comes to women.

I had my spinal cord injury when I was fifteen. While I was waiting for the subway, a guy pushed me into the train tracks and my back was broken. I have full use of both my arms so I’m able to use a manual wheelchair. I also have a lot of sensation in my legs and I can move them a little bit. I am able to stand for a few seconds when I’m transferring, but my legs quickly start going into very painful spasms. I have a pump implanted under my skin that releases medication to ease my spasms.

I have almost full sensation in my penis and I am usually able to masturbate without a problem. But I don’t get that hard or big, so one thing I was always scared of was that I wouldn’t be able to perform when the opportunity arose. I think that’s another reason it was so hard for me to lose my virginity. I was always scared I wouldn’t be able to perform if I finally got the chance.

It’s hard to say when I became uncomfortable with being a virgin. I remember the subject came up when I was about 19 or 20 with some friends when I was at college. I was completely shocked to find out that none of them were virgins. When they asked me, I told the truth about myself. I don’t think they were very surprised, considering they never saw me with any girls. Two of the guys offered to “pay” for me, and I felt insulted and ashamed at that. I felt like they thought because I was in a wheelchair, the only way I could get laid was by paying. I never wanted to be the sort of person who needed to pay.

It has always been hard for me to meet and approach women. I find it almost impossible to approach a woman and ask her out, because of my fear of rejection. So for a long time I focused mostly on my career and avoided dating, even though I thought about it all the time.

At age 27 I finally started dating but constantly got the “let's just be friends” and variants of that. I began to feel really bad about myself. I thought, here I am, 27, dating, but women aren't going for me. I suddenly felt like I was 14 again: just starting to like girls but clueless about them. It was a very weird feeling to feel so adult and so childish at the same time, and I felt that my lack of experience with women rather than my wheelchair was a large part of why they weren't interested. I was 27 then and they all expected me to know how to woo and seduce a woman.

The year that I turned 28 was my best year in terms of dating. I dated 7 women in that year but none of them worked out for me. A few of the women I dated were cute, but most of them were women that aren’t what society would call “desirable”. For example, I could probably start my own five-hundred club, no kidding. I don’t find these women very attractive, but I am definitely less scared about asking them out and I feel like I have a better chance with them. But I think my main problem is that when I get out on a date, I get very scared and don’t know what to say, so they think I’m not interested and sort of tune me out.

I had a somewhat promising few dates that year with a woman who was actually fairly attractive. She was somewhat significantly older than me, I think she was 46 at the time. I am almost certain we would have had sex, but I made the mistake of trusting her by telling her that I was a virgin and I think that scared her off.

The next year I met Clara (not her real name), who is the closest I’ve ever had to a girlfriend. We’ve been dating/friends (on and off) now for four years. She knows I’m a virgin, which is probably the only reason we haven’t had sex. She had a major issue with being my first sexual experience. I think this is a problem with any women my age because I think they all vastly prefer experienced men.

As the years went by into my 30's I became more and more shy and now am deathly afraid of a woman or my peers making me feel ashamed or juvenile if they find out I'm still a virgin. I don't even talk to anyone about my virginity anymore; at one time I had a female email pen-pal with whom I felt comfortable sharing my feelings and getting her point of view but after a year quit learning from her and felt I was whining all the time. Briefly I shared some inner thoughts with my married sister but felt disrespected in her responses because she acts like, what do I expect, considering I am in a wheelchair. And I no longer talk about sex or virginity with Clara because I know she would've slept with me by now if she ever wanted to, and conversing with her about sex feels like getting rejected all over again. I feel like she thinks of me as her girlfriend or a neutered guy, even though I obviously am very attracted to her. If she reinforces her unwillingness to have sex with me it's a direct rejection, but even if she tries to encourage me it's like she's saying “you're not good enough for me, but if you could find someone desperate enough to have sex with you....”

Of course, there are many parts of our society that encourage or even insist that men remain virgins until marriage. This tale is not to debate that; if your values or beliefs lead you to stay a virgin I have no problem with that and respect you for it. But I didn’t want to be a virgin, and it was my low self-confidence due to some combination of my disability, my inexperience, and my history of rejection that kept me from changing that.

I'm beginning to suspect there is a lot of understanding and acceptance available if I had opened up a bit. Everyone is insecure about something. Despite the fact that I can’t walk like most people, when I take the time to pull my head out of my ass I realize that people—even women—react very positively to me, and I sense attraction from women. When I look around at some of the guys with women and you'll see there is always somebody uglier or less desirable with a woman. Yes, I am disabled, but I see other disabled men with women, as well as obese men or bald men or ugly men. My feelings of insecurity and desperation were self-feeding, and I know it showed through to women; I'm sure of this. When I'm attracted to a woman is when it all falls apart for me. When I'm not feeling that way women are fine and warm with me.

I think women are very accommodating, but they want us to drive. Some women don't want to deal with an inexperienced lover, but I believe if I approached Clara, my 4-year lady friend, with straightforward statements of intention and my experience I would’ve had sex with her, but instead I approached her almost apologetically and almost begging; in retrospect it was like I was asking “please, mommy, can I have some sex?” or “will you teach me to have sex?” I think it would've been much more likely to succeed if I had confidently said something like “I'm a bit nervous about sex, but I want to rub your feet (she likes when I do that), massage your body and see where that leads.” Or maybe it would've been better just to do it and not say it.

Well, I got laid, as I said in the first sentence. I'll give you my thoughts before and after, and describe as best I can the experience of losing my virginity to a paid escort in a hotel room in Windsor, Ontario (Canada). This is really long and rambling, and it changes subjects rapidly a few times, but that's what you get. I think I'm more apt to go try to get laid some more rather than refine this.

I’ve been trying lately to get myself out of the apartment and be more social. I've been getting more and more hermit-like over the past two years, and I'm not getting any younger. I recently put an ad up on Yahoo! Personals and sent a few emails but got no responses. One thing I didn’t do was to go to mixers to meet women with disabilities. In terms of getting laid or long term relationships, I think a woman with a disability would be a big mistake. That is my one standard. Many of them have major issues involving sex and low self-confidence like myself. Plus the hard mechanics of sex might be a little difficult when there are two people who can’t move like they need to. Also, I truthfully just never saw myself with another wheelchair user and I don’t find most of these women attractive at all.

In the past I never wanted a prostitute. I was mildly curious, but the stigma was too bad, and I didn't think paying a woman to have sex would increase my confidence. In fact I thought paying for sex would decrease it, and I figured I'd then think, “I’m an unattractive cripple who only get sex if I pay for it.” And, of course, in most of the U.S. it's illegal. So the combined stigma, personal feelings, high risk of public embarrassment if caught and fear of the scene (disease, drugs, possibly getting robbed) kept me from ever seriously considering it.

But recently I started trying to learn more about it. It's really hard to find that sort of info! For a couple of weeks I had no solid info, then I found the World Sex Guide web site. It includes forums where guys post their experiences with prostitutes including prices, tips and such. I read and read and read and got a better idea of what the costs, procedures and risks would be for given areas. Many of these guys are “sex tourists” or “hobbyists” who regularly visit prostitutes. Some are single and some are married or otherwise in a relationship. Even here I found no info about prostitutes who cater to disabled men, which I would have really liked, but you can't have everything, can you?

Reading about the hows, wheres, costs and risks of prostitution took much of the fear of the unknown away. And I found out that outcall prostitution is legal in Canada, and in fact the escorts register with the state! I decided that since I'm not getting any younger, and I'm not making progress towards dating or having sex I would start seriously considering paying a prostitute.

For various cost, referral and risk reasons, my three preferred options were to hire a local outcall girl to come to my house ($300/hr), drive to another state that seems to not be cracking down on some strip clubs offering sex in the back rooms ($90/half hour or orgasm, whichever first) and driving to Canada, getting a room and hiring an outcall escort (legal, $150-$300 per hour Canadian = $107-$214 US, plus gas, tolls and hotel, hotel rates vary, 2-3 hour rates available). I decided I wanted a girl who would not make me feel rushed or hurt my ego in any way, so I decided Canada was the way to go because the girls' contact information and reputation are fully public because they are legal and registered.

I picked an independent escort (as opposed to an agency) that seemed well-recommended and relatively cheap to boot. I emailed her and told her where I was from, how I heard of her, let her know I was disabled (just in case it mattered or influenced the price), and that I was looking to lose my virginity in hopes of lifting my confidence and increasing my sex drive. I told her I'd like to come up on my day off. She emailed back and was pretty friendly but said she had a cold and was taking the weekend off. She did ask me to let her know if I could come up later.

By now I had pretty much psyched myself into doing it. I really didn't need to spend the $300 or so on the trip, but like I said I'm not getting any younger. I thought I might change my mind between days off, but I didn't. I made up my mind to do it. I emailed her a day ahead of time and told her I was coming up and asked if she was available. Unfortunately I didn't get an answer before I left the next morning, but I went anyway. If I were to do it over again, I would plan farther ahead, reserve a room ahead of time and reserve the escort's time ahead of time and make sure I left with several hours to spare. Fortunately, it worked out okay for me this time.

As I drove I realized it was a Friday and probably one of her busiest days. I had hoped to get there by early afternoon, but I left so late I'd be lucky to get there by 6pm. I called her from what I thought was three hours away and made the appointment. She sounded quiet and shy when answering the phone, and I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation; I felt very self conscious sitting at a pay phone and making an appointment to pay for sex. Of course I was nervous too, and I got the feeling she was nervous about meeting someone new. I identified myself and she recognized my name from the emails. Anyway I kept the call very short and we estimated that the appointment would be at 7pm. I decided to get two hours to be sure I wasn't rushed and in hopes of trying everything out and having sex several times.

I was running it much closer on time than I thought and didn't have a cell phone. It takes time to get across the US/Canada border, but not too much. I had decided on staying overnight, and she suggested the casino (Casino Windsor) hotel saying it was comparably priced to the rest. I found the casino, parked in the garage, wheeled in and tried to get a room. It was about 6:55pm and they told me they didn’t have any accessible rooms. I called the escort again and told her the situation and that I'd call her back in a few minutes when I found a hotel. She gave another suggestion, and I went to the Concierge and got some more suggestions, one of which was three blocks away. I wheeled over there instead of drove because I figured it would be much faster than getting lost and parking. I booked the room, went to it and called the escort; it was now about 7:15pm and we agreed that she'd come by in about 30 minutes.

I am pretty much completely continent, but it is harder for me to hold it in when my bladder is very full, so I made sure to go to the bathroom before she arrive. Just my luck, the toilet clogged as I was flushing it. That was the first thing that went wrong. Then I realized I brought shaving cream but no razor, a toothbrush but no toothpaste, no comb or brush and no underwear other than what I was wearing. Basically by this time I felt rushed and stupid, and everything was falling apart. I got a razor and toothpaste from the hotel and then called hotel maintenance to unclog the toilet figuring we would need it at some point over the next two hours.

The escort arrived; I'll make up a name for her because it's getting old typing "the escort" and it's very impersonal, and I'm about to describe fucking her. Her name is now Jane, okay? So, Jane arrives at 8pm, later than she said, but I was late, too, and the damn maintenance guy wasn't there yet. I had seen photos of her on the internet, but for some reason her face was erased in her photos; some of the escorts did that. I wasn't expecting a model face, but she was prettier than I expected. Most of the escorts aren't young and skinny, and the ones that are charged more. Jane wasn't skinny, but I wouldn't call her fat. She was in her mid 30's. Everything but the face I knew about beforehand. She had a yellow sun dress (I think that's what it was) on. I greeted her, asked her in and asked her to have a seat. I stayed in my wheelchair. I had read other reviews that she hugged guys when greeting, but she didn't with me, maybe because she felt uncomfortable with the chair. I told her that I was expecting the maintenance guy because the toilet was clogged; I called the front desk again and they said he’d be right up.

I apologized for being late and apologized because I was afraid I sounded curt on the phone. She started some “getting to know you” small talk, and we talked about my work, her work and some other things I can't recall right away. I remember she told me she thought I was really good looking, which was of course a big confidence boost right away. She didn’t mention my disability at all, but I knew it wasn’t a surprise to her because I had already told her about it before we met. The maintenance guy showed up during the small talk and fixed the toilet and left. I told her—in person this time—about why I hired her and how I felt little confidence with other women.

Well, enough of that crap, let's get on with the Penthouse Forum part of the story. Suffice to say it took us a few minutes to get comfortable with each other and she expressed that she gets nervous meeting new clients because she never knows what to expect behaviorally. Okay, one more thing I haven't mentioned yet: She knew I was disabled because I told her when I emailed her because I wanted to be sure that wasn't a problem, and it wasn't. One more “one more thing”: I counted the money out and put it on the dresser because I read that's what you do. I had it out before she came but put it away until the maintenance guy left, then took it out before we got down to business.

I wasn't sure quite how to get started, but she must’ve sensed that because she said “well, I guess we should get started”. I stammered a bit and said “I'm all for that” but couldn't quite figure out what to say or do next. I told her “I'll let you start because I don't know how to.” She said “let’s take our clothes off” and started taking hers off. I took off mine and she sat on the bed so I could help her with her zipper. She told me to lie down, so I transferred to the bed. My legs started spasming a little when I transferred, but she didn’t seem bothered by it. She was wearing a black lacey bra and panty combination and asked if I wanted them on or off; I was trying to decide and she took them off. She had a shaved pussy and had a pierced belly button. Her tits weren't as shapely or large as most strippers or porn stars, but I wasn't complaining.

I was somewhat nervous, but not too bad. I had the knowledge that we were going to fuck and my disability and performance didn't matter and that took a lot of the anxiety away. She laid in bed next to me with her naked body against mine. She said “hi” and I said “it's nice to meet you.” She laid on top of me and kissed me quite a bit. She then worked her way down by chest and belly to my balls, rubbing her hands and nails all over me and rubbing her tits on my cock while it got hard. It probably took a little longer for me to get hard than she was used to, but it didn’t take that long. When I was hard she started licking my balls. Oh my God that felt great! (When masturbating I've never played with my balls much; this was quite a new sensation.) She put as much of her tongue as she could on my balls and licked up and around them.

Jane asked me if I could feel everything “down there”. I said that I could feel it pretty well and she shouldn’t worry about it. I know my sense of touch is still keen because I could feel the texture of her tongue. She licked from the back of my sack near my anus up. Wow. You gotta try that...never felt anything like that when masturbating. She licked my balls for a while and ran her nails over my lower belly, which is kind of fat (I’m not fat at all but I’ve got a gut), and on my upper inner thighs near my anus. That area is quite sensitive and I've never stimulated it before...I gotta remember to try that on women in the future as it must feel good to them, too.

She got a flavored condom (she brought them) and put it on me. It was cherry flavored and I laughed and said that was appropriate. She laughed too because I don't think she planned it that way. She put the condom on me and went down on me. That felt really good; I felt her lips and tongue and even her teeth! I just barely felt her teeth gently gliding along and they felt very nice...I assume that was intentional, but maybe all blowjobs are like that. I kept finding myself closing my eyes and enjoying the pleasure then reminding myself to open them and look at this woman sucking my dick! It was nice seeing a woman there, ass up in the air so pretty and all real not imagined.

I had previously wondered how long I would last before ejaculating when having sex. I had read that many men only last 1-3 minutes. It took 10-30 minutes to masturbate, sometimes more, but I had read one guy somewhere saying that he could masturbate a long time but comes quickly when fucking. I thought for this situation, it might be to my benefit having a spinal cord injury, because it took longer for me to ejaculate. I didn't know what to expect, but she told me before we started that men she's been with before who've either been virgins or married and not fucking their wives for years can't always come with her, and that they have to masturbate to finish. She said she never had any clients who were paraplegics, so she didn’t know anything about that specifically. Sure enough, the blowjob felt great but I never felt close to coming. But it still felt great!

After a few minutes of her sucking my dick she sat up and said “are your ready for some screwing?” Hell yeah. She asked me what position, and I said she was going to have to be on top. Considering I can’t move my legs too well, I would be like dead weight if I was on top. I resisted the idea to play doctor and get a close look at what a real twat looks like up close, but when she straddled me, I rubbed my finger around her pussy lips a bit and between them. She liked that. I was slightly concerned about getting my dick in her because I couldn’t get a good thrust going with my legs acting like dead weight and I was also worried about getting spasms, but it wasn't a problem and I penetrated with a little hand guidance from her.

Wow, pussy feels great! I mean it really feels good! It's like it's made to please our cocks or something. (Oh yeah.) I've masturbated with various sex toys including a Cyberskin pussy, but there's no substitute for the real thing. It felt hot inside--not just warm--and it felt like there were muscles at the opening of her vagina squeezing my cock gently. I would have been better if I could have thrust into her to get the deepest penetration and she didn’t have to do all the work, but it was still very pleasurable.

I'm not sure how to describe the feeling of my cock deep inside her. Squishy, warm and soft don't really seem to get the point across. It feels great, but I'm sure it would've felt better without the condom. (Would NEVER go condomless with a prostitute, though.) She seemed to enjoy the fucking and told me several times that felt good. It felt really good but I still wasn't close to coming. Again I kept finding myself closing my eyes and savoring the feelings like I do when I masturbate, except that this time I don't have to pretend that I'm fucking a woman because I know it's real. I kept reminding myself to open my eyes and look at her. Her body above me, her legs out to the side, her tits bouncing gently as she thrust.

I want to talk a bit about my frame of mind. It wasn't like “Yippee, yeehah I'm fucking, I'm getting laid!” like I thought it would be. It was kind of surreal. I frequently felt like I wasn't excited enough. I was telling myself (in my head) “hey, you're in bed with a naked woman fucking her just like you always wanted, shouldn't you be more excited?” And I'd answer myself “yeah? so? I like it. Big whoop.” I mean I was excited, but not in the way you are at a football game when you're screaming for the home team.

I don't think I'm getting the point across well. I guess it's more like when you're watching an X-rated film and get horny and masturbate. It's all exciting eye-candy before and during masturbation, but after I come I get bored and turn the movie off. When fucking her I wasn't bored, but I was enjoying the feeling of her pussy around my cock and the feel of her skin on mine and her hands and nails running over my body. So my sexual excitement while fucking was a more mellow thing than the "ride-em cowboy" porn films sometimes portray. But I'm not complaining or saying that's a bad thing. It compares more to enjoying great food. You don't jump up and down and scream "YEAH! Fuckin' great steak!" but you sit there and savor the flavors and the moment. That's what sexual excitement was like for me; it was just enjoying and savoring feeling all the sensations of her pussy and body against me.

She told me ahead of time that there's no trick to it, just do what feels good and experiment with each other, and that's what we did. I pretty much had to stay on my back, but she tried a few different adjustments and she moved her hips and legs here or there. I asked her about how long most guys last and if I was a tough customer. She didn't really answer directly but we acknowledged that some combination of my long-term hand masturbation and my decreased sensation made it difficult to come with her. I assured her I was enjoying everything very much though. She got off me and started sucking my dick and licking my balls again it felt great and lasted quite a while, and she was frequently bobbing her head up and down quickly. It felt great, but I still wasn't close to coming. Not really a problem for me since I was enjoying everything and getting my ego pumped up at how long I was lasting, but I started wondering if she was getting tired of bobbing up and down on me. I kept thinking about asking her if she needed a break or wanted to fuck some more but it felt good and I felt like I didn't want to interrupt her.

She finally sat up and said “I need a drink of water” and I told her I was wondering if I should give her a break. So we both drank some water. She sat cross-legged on the bed with a pillow in her lap, and I laid beside her and we talked some more. We talked a bit about our fucking and some other things. My cock was staying hard but finally started deflating a bit after a while. I said “uh-oh, I'm going down” and she started sucking it again and perked it right back up. She licked and sucked, but I really wanted to fuck her some more but was a bit shy about asking and couldn't figure out how to ask nicely, so I finally said “I'd like to screw you, but I can't figure out a nice way to ask.” She laughed and said there really isn't a nice way and laid down.

I was able to put my dick in her myself this time, and I once again savored her pussy. She fucked slowly for a bit, and then went faster. She went deeper and faster, and we were both really into it. She reached up and braced against the headboard to keep from slipping, and as she pumped and pumped away. I started feeling a tingling in my loins as her pussy muscles slid and gripped, and the base of my cock felt more excited and I realized I was probably going to be able to come. I had actually started worrying about not being able to come with her and briefly wondered about whether about my virgin status if I fucked her but didn't come, but that was a brief thought that went away because we were having too much fun. But it was good to know I could last long and still come with a woman.

Her breathing changed and she moaned a bit. (When masturbating a woman moaning always gets me hotter, but it really didn't seem to affect me this time, but maybe that's because my dick was in her already and I was already fully stimulated.) Her moans and breathing got really erratic, and I wondered if she orgasmed, and I wondered if I should ask her and/or slow down and/or stop, but I just kept going because my loins and the base of my cock were tingling more and more and I wanted to fill that condom. My breathing had been getting heavier and heavier and I was now grunting and moaning at times but just enjoying the animal pleasure of it.

The pressure built up and she pumped and pumped and I came inside her (with condom on) and it felt terrific. She slowed a bit, maybe because she didn't want the condom to break or leak, and I sat there a few seconds inside her with the after-jerks of my orgasm slowing down and enjoying the warmth and sudden silence. I didn’t even notice that my legs were spasming a bit, which they don’t usually do when I masturbate, but it wasn’t too painful. I wanted to lie like that for a while, but I think you need to grab the condom and pull out in case your dick goes soft inside her and starts leaking jizz. So I grabbed the condom at the base of my cock and pulled out.

Okay, I did feel a bit triumphant at that moment. I was happy that I came, and I was thrilled that I went so long before coming. I think we fucked and sucked for an hour or more before I came, but it wasn't constant stimulation of course. Still, at that moment I felt like I could pleasure any woman. I'm sure we said something to each other but don't remember what. She got out of bed so I wouldn’t need to get into my wheelchair and got me and herself another glass of water. I laid on the bed feeling very mellow and relaxed and not really wanting to move or do anything; it wasn't being tired from the physical activity or sleepy, but just a very mellow and relaxed feeling where I just wanted to lie there and space out and feel good.

I was hoping to fuck her again, but at the time I couldn't imagine being able to get it up again before our time was up. She came out from the restroom and we talked a bit more, and it was now 9:30pm. She started getting dressed, and I thought it was a bit odd since she arrived at 8pm, but I was too happy, mellow, grateful and incapable of fucking to make an issue of it. Finally, I decided to get up and get back into my wheelchair and get (at least partially) dressed. As we talked she got the money and made her way to the door. We hugged two or three times while talking, thanking and saying goodbye and she left.

I thought it a bit odd that she left after 90 minutes when I paid her for two hours, especially since many guys had posted that the Canadian women, and this one in particular, didn't "watch the clock" when servicing and frequently stayed a little longer. But then I realized the original appointment was for 7pm and I was the late one, so another point of view might say that she stayed 30 minutes extra, and it was a Friday night, and she was probably trying to make another appointment. So no hard feelings on my part.

Again, where I had always expected I'd want to throw a parade when I finally got laid, I just kept thinking it was very enjoyable but no big deal. Being a virgin for 34 years I know it's frustrating for people to tell you sex is no big deal, but after having had sex I have to say the same thing. I want to try to translate for you from non-virgin-speak to virgin-speak while I can still remember the frustration of being a virgin. It's like trying a new food that you really like. Let's say you've never had Tiramisu, an Italian dessert made of espresso-soaked lady fingers topped with custard and cocoa, and you finally try it after people telling you how wonderful it is. Perhaps they've built up your expectations so high that you're expecting a wonderful experience, and the first time you go to a restaurant they are out of Tiramisu, so your tension is even higher. But you finally get to a restaurant and they have it and you try it and love it. It's everything you thought it could be, it makes you (well, your taste buds) feel great, and you enjoy the whole thing and plan to eat more later at every opportunity. But even though it was thoroughly enjoyable it's no big deal. You ate it, your friends ate it, it's been around for hundreds or thousands of years, so it's not like you walked on the moon or discovered cold fusion, you know? No reason to throw a party just because you ate a tasty new dessert. So yes, sex is a big deal when you haven't had it because of the anxiety, the unfamiliarity and the feeling you're not in the club. And it feels wonderful and is wonderful and I want to do it more and more, but I don't feel the need to break open a bottle of champagne or set off fireworks or anything, which are some of the things I kind of imagined—when I was a virgin (a whole week ago)—I'd want to do after finally having sex.

Just to finish the story: I bathed almost immediately after she left and washed my groin thoroughly several times with antibacterial soap, just to be sure. I then dried my groin area with a hair dryer so it wouldn't be moist and helpful to anything that I hope she didn't have and I didn't get. Then I got dressed and went to the casino and played for a bit, but I didn't play much or stay long. I went back to the hotel, watched some TV and went to sleep. The next morning I checked out and drove home. By the way, getting into the U.S. is harder than getting out. Just be prepared for the third degree from U.S. Customs and don't talk back to them! They are the most authoritarian law enforcement group in the U.S., so don't fuck with them. I didn't fuck with them because I already knew this, but I want you to know in case you go out of the country.

My feelings towards women in general—at least in the past week—have changed. I look at women and where before I wanted to fuck them and didn't quite know what it would be like I can now better imagine them lying on top of me with my cock in them, and I want them. I'm not sure how to describe how it’s different except that there's less anxiety and less imagination. I know what pussy feels like and I want more, and I know they have it, and I feel pretty confident I can make them happy in bed.

Jane said that I would learn to come more easily with women as I had more women. But from all I've heard stamina is a good thing. Then again I can't quite help wonder if there was a nervousness or lack of intimacy that contributed to making hard for me to come. If my loins hunger and I get a woman into bed—a woman who wants to fuck me for pleasure and not for money—if I will be more excited and come faster. We'll have to see, and I hope to find out soon!

Now, there probably still are some problems. I know what it's like to fuck a woman, and I have confidence that I can fuck, not lose my erection, and not come in 20 seconds, and I have confidence that I can get a hard-on relatively quickly even with my injury (Jane commented that I got it up quickly when it was time to get busy.) However, aside from calling an escort and booking an appointment I still haven't seduced a woman, and I haven't “closed the sale” to get her into bed. I'll try not to worry about that, though, and let instinct be my guide.

I haven't had second thoughts about paying for sex yet. Again, it's only been a week, but I always thought I might feel shame. I thought I’d be thinking of myself as this pathetic cripple who can only get sex if I pay for it. Now I don't want to go announcing to my friends and family that I paid for sex, but I don't really feel bad, shamed, or guilty about it so far. I don't currently plan to go back again because it's expensive and I expect I should be able to find my own pussy, but if money and fear of disease weren't a factor I'd probably go back periodically. (But if money weren't a factor at all then I'm sure I'd have my selection of free pussy... you know women throw it at the rich men.)

I still talk to that lady friend Clara that I mentioned that I've known for years but doesn't want to be my first. When driving back home I was wondering if I wanted to tell her about this. I actually debated it a bit, but I've firmly decided I'll tell her about it and tell her any details she wants. And I'll fuck her if she wants it, but we live several hundred miles apart now so I'm not waiting. And even if we do fuck I'm not going to be committed to her in any way. I'm not saying I'm trying to become a man-slut, but I'm not going to play Disney romances anymore, and I'm not ready for any commitments right now. I'd love a “fuck buddy” to hang around with and have sex. I hope to find one locally soon. So I called her and chatted a while and then told her I did it. She asked some questions and we talked about it a long time. She didn't really give any indication if she wants sex, but she's several hundred miles away anyway, so I'll see what happens the next time we're in the same city or the next time she calls me up depressed and half drunk on wine.

My lack of confidence and fear I think were always centered around perceived build-ups and releases: asking a girl out, making the first kiss or caress, progressing contact, proposing sex and so forth. Those steps aren't climaxes (literary sense), but those are the moments all my anxiety was built around. There's nothing at stake when we're turned down for a date or for sex. Those things aren't mini-climaxes, they're all part of the buildup. From now on, I’m going to think of them as plot twists instead of climaxes.

I am very glad my disability never got in the way during sex. I was always nervous that I wouldn’t be able to move in the right way or that my legs would start spasming too much or that I wouldn’t be able to get hard enough, but that never happened. Also, it made me feel better that she didn’t freak out when she saw my legs and she seemed to be okay with my naked body. I felt like before we got started, I spent a lot of time warning her that I might be limited in what I could do and making excuses for myself just in case, but it wound up being a non-issue.

Anyway, I guess that's the end of my story. If anyone has any questions or comments, you can email me.

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