I nearly cracked up when Julian went ahead and told Ned he was my uncle. I thought I was going to bust out laughing right then and there, but I held it in somehow. Damn, that was funny though.
I would’ve wanted to hang out with Julian, but Ned had to do his shrink thing, so the nurses took me back to my room. They lifted me back in my bed, which was pretty much fine with me cuz that’s where Jules and I always wind up anyway. If you know what I’m saying.
I was watching some dumb show on TV that the nurse put on for me. I wanted to change the channel bad, but the nurse put the remote all the way over on the nighttable. Not that it’s so easy if the remote is on my bed since I still can’t move my hands and all, but sometimes I can do it with my elbow or by dropping one of my hands on it. It’s not an exact science or anything.
Finally, Ned must’ve shut up and let Julian come in to see me. The first thing he did was turn off that goddamn TV, so I was pretty grateful. I looked up at him and I know I was grinning like an idiot. I really dig Julian. I lived with him for close to a year and I’d probly be dead now if not for him. He’s 45 years old but he’s in great shape, killer abs and all, and he’s got all his hair. He’s hotter than most guys half his age.
Julian was staring at me for like a really long time and it was getting me uncomfortable. Not that I’m not used to Jules staring at me, cuz that’s something he does constantly. But it’s one thing if a guy is staring cuz you know he wants to fuck you and it’s another thing when you know half the muscles in your body are gone and it’s nothing great to look at. I think my hands are the worst because they’ve gotten all curled up and skinny.
“My god, Ronnie,” he said finally. “Look at you.”
“Aw, come on, Jules,” I said. “You know this is just temporary. What? You think I’m going to be like this the rest of my life?”
“That’s what the doctor said,” Julian said. “He said any movement you are going to get back is back already. You’re not going to get any better.”
“That’s bullshit,” I said. “They’re just saying that so I don’t sue them if I don’t get better. Come on.”
Julian then sighed really loudly and dramatically and sat next to me on the bed. He started running his hand through my hair, which felt good and all, but not exactly where I wanted him to be touching me, if you get me.
I used the muscles of my bicep to lift my arm. I have to concentrate real hard to do this, but I can do it OK and I can even bend my elbow pretty good. I arranged it so that my hand dropped right onto Julian’s lap. Sneaky shit, huh? I moved my shoulder so that my hand was dragged along with it, effectively rubbing Julian’s crotch. It got easier when he started getting hard. I can’t feel a whole lot with my hand, but I know how Julian’s dick feels and I could still picture it in my head.
Julian started helping me out. He moved my hand for me, which definitely made things a lot easier. He still was all zipped up though and there was no way in hell my fingers were going to work enough to get his pants open for him. I kept thinking about Julian’s juicy cock and how bad I wanted it. Like I said, Julian gets me, he really does.
“We shouldn’t,” Julian said, taking my hand off his lap. “We’re in a hospital, for god’s sake.”
I felt like I was about to start bawling. “C’mon, Jules.”
“What’s the point? You can’t feel anything, anyway.”
“I can feel my mouth,” I said. Like I said, I’m a sneaky shit.
Julian smiled at me. I know he can’t resist me 99% of the time, even though I didn’t look so great right then. I opened up my mouth, waiting for him. Finally he unzipped his pants and his cock practically popped out at me. He was hard and he was huge. I couldn’t wait to get him in my mouth, but he teased me a little bit, not quite letting me have it. When he finally put his cock in my mouth, I lifted my head to shove it as deep into my throat as I could. It felt great. I really missed this.
Back before I got shot, Julian and I used to have sex practically all the time. Julian was crazy about me and I was always horny, so it worked out. Julian likes young guys. I was eighteen when we met and I was sooo fucked up on drugs and whatever. I can’t even remember where I was living, probably wherever I could crash for the night. We met at this club and Julian was like, “I think you’re really sexy.” And I was like, “Thanks!” And Julian was like, “I want to take you home.” And I was like, “Sure.” I wasn’t all that picky and I thought I could hit him up for some cash.
He gave me money and lots of other stuff, like a place to live. I fucked around a lot with other guys but he was okay with it as long as I came home at night. He really tried to get me off the shit, and I guess I did less drugs but it was hard to quit completely.
The sex Julian and I had was pretty vanilla. He never wanted to tie me up or burn me or whip me or do any of that other stuff. We just had plain old regular sex but it was really good. I don’t know why I had to get myself all messed up because we had a pretty good thing going.
When Julian came in my mouth, I actually did start crying. It’s dumb but it had just been so long and I had missed him so much. I was crying a lot and Julian started touching my face and being nice to me, and I got myself under control. Boy, I felt dumb.
Julian got a tissue and wiped up my face for me. “Ronnie, Ronnie...” he said.
“Do you want to suck me off now?” I asked him hopefully.
“Is that even possible?” Julian was looking down at my crotch now. I wasn’t hard. I’ve got a tube called a catheter that stays in my penis all the time and the urine comes out in a bag that attaches to my leg. It’s kind of gross. I can’t wait till I can start peeing on my own again. I keep telling them to take it out and let me try, but they never listen to me.
I can feel my penis a little. Like I think I can tell if someone is touching it sort of. The weird thing is that if I’m thinking of something it doesn’t make me hard, but if someone is touching me there, like if I’m getting washed or changed, it gets hard on its own. It’s like my penis has a brain of its own, although it kind of did before too. I was sure I’d get real hard if Julian started touching me, but I wasn’t sure what we’d do about the catheter.
“I think I should just go,” Julian said.
I was upset about that, but I didn’t want to let on. “Okay, next time then.”
“Ronnie, I don’t think it’s such a good idea for me to come here,” Julian said.
“What?” I couldn’t believe he was saying that. I thought Julian loved me. Plus I needed his help.... they weren’t going to give me rehab to help me get better in this place and if he didn’t help me, how was I going to walk again? I said all that to Julian.
“I talked about this with Dr. Wilson,” Julian said. “If you can’t go back with your parents—”
“You know I can’t!”
“Then you’ll go to a nursing home.”
I couldn’t believe it. A nursing home? I used to visit my grandpa in a nursing home when I was a kid and they don’t even look at you there. I didn’t want to spend my life in a nursing home. “Just let me stay with you for a few months,” I pleaded. “If I’m not walking again...”
“Ronnie, stop it,” Julian said sharply. He almost sounded like my dad for a minute. “You’re never going to walk again. You’re never going to get any better. You’re going to be crippled for the rest of your life and I can’t take care of you. You need 24 hour care now and I can’t do that.”
It’s not like this was the first time I had been told I wasn’t going to walk again, but somehow Julian saying it made it sink in. Every single doctor told me the same thing but I was always insisting they were wrong, like I knew better. But really, they were right. I was a quadriplegic now and I would be forever.
I started crying again, I couldn’t help it. I felt my cheeks getting all wet and I lifted my arm to try to wipe them away. I was kind of able to dab the tears with my forearm, but that was it, but then I couldn’t lift my arm off my face. Julian lifted my arm for me and put it back at my side. He got out a tissue from his pocket and wiped up my face.
“Ronnie, don’t cry,” he said.
“Fuck off,” I said back.
Julian got pissed when I said that. “Fine, I guess I’ll leave then.”
I really didn’t want Julian to go, but I didn’t want to ask him to stay either, so I just let him go. I kept crying and crying, thinking about how fucked up my life was now. I was twenty years old and now a cripple for the rest of my life.
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After I cried for a while, I calmed down and got to thinking about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. If I was going to be a quad, I wanted to at least be able to do as much on my own as I could. I wanted to change... for the better.
My nurse Jason came in to empty out the bag of pee attached to my leg. All the time people had been doing this for me, I never got to thinking that they’d be emptying my pee for me the rest of my life. I wasn’t too happy about that. “Lemme ask you something,” I said to Jason. “Could I ever empty that by myself?”
Jason looked at my arms. “I don’t know, Ron,” he said. “You should ask one of the doctors about that.”
“Hey, do you think I could talk to Ned... I mean, Dr. Wilson?” I asked. I figured if anyone could help me, Ned could.
“Sure Ron, I’ll send him in,” Jason said.
I guess Jason was pretty busy because it took over an hour before Ned came into my room. I hadn’t thought about it before, but I found myself kind of checking out Ned’s wheelchair. It was a pretty cool chair and he could control it with just his one hand. I thought maybe I could use a chair like that.
“What’s up, Ronnie?” Ned asked.
“Julian left,” I said, even though it was really obvious.
Ned raised an eyebrow. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”
Ned’s a really smart guy, I could tell that right away, even though he’s still pretty young. Not even thirty yet, I think. Socially, I guess he’s a little awkward. But I know he means well. Plus he became a doctor while not having his legs and one arm, so I knew he’d be supportive of me wanting to get as independent as possible.
“Is there any way I could get a wheelchair I could control by myself?” I asked.
Ned smiled real wide. “Of course you can. Haven’t we been offering it to you every day?”
“Yeah but... now I want it.”
“Why the change of heart?” Ned asked.
“You’re right,” I said. “I’m a quad now and it’s dumb for me not to accept it. I want to start figuring out what I can do.”
“That’s fantastic,” Ned said, all enthusiastic.
“So,” I began, “what can I do?”
Ned smiled. “Well, for starters, you should be able to control your own chair. You can feed yourself and write a little bit. You’ll be able to operate a computer, especially the ones with voice activation.”
“What about getting in and out of my wheelchair?”
Ned’s smile got a little less wide. “I’m afraid you’ll probably need some help with that.”
“And... how about... like, going to the bathroom and stuff?”
Ned shook his head. “You’re going to need help with that. Number one and number two.”
“Oh,” I said. I wasn’t happy to hear that, but I guess I wasn’t all that surprised. I asked him another question that had been weighing on my mind: “Do you think I could go back and get my high school diploma?”
“Nothing would please me more,” Ned replied, the smile returning to his face. I kind of doubted that nothing could please him more. Ever since I met Ned, I had been wondering about his social life and it wouldn’t have surprised me if he didn’t have any. But even the most uptight guys have got to get laid sometimes.
“Awesome,” I said. “Can I get into a wheelchair now? I want to get started as soon as I can.”