I don’t think anyone realized it was my one year anniversary of my accident and I didn’t want to bring it up. I didn’t feel that depressed about it but I knew if people started making a big deal, it might get me down. My life was really different than it was a year ago. I’d been living with my roommate Jack, going out and partying every night, and then sleeping in the next day so that I’d keep losing my jobs. Now my life was so regimented.
I kind of wondered what happened to my buddy Jack. I remember he visited a lot when I was first injured, like my other friends, but I hadn’t seen any of them since I’d come to the subacute. None of them had even made an effort to contact me. Sometimes I felt a little sad about it but mostly relieved. I was a completely different person than I had been back then and it would be weird talking to Jack, who was probably exactly the same as he used to be. What would we even talk about? We had nothing in common anymore.
So I celebrated my one year anniversary by having surgery. Not intentionally, of course, but when I was told I was on the schedule for that date, it didn’t seem worth it to ask them to change it. Better to have a distraction. It was a minor surgery, anyway. More of a procedure, actually.
The procedure was having a suprapubic catheter placed in my abdomen. From now on, instead of having a tube coming out of my dick, there was going to be a tube coming right out of my bladder, through my abdomen, and it would still attach to a legbag. It was supposed to be easier and more hygienic. Dr. Palmer strongly recommended it and I argued a little but gave in pretty quickly.
There were a few reasons I wasn’t that excited about getting the suprapubic catheter, all of which I was a little embarrassed to admit to Dr. Palmer. First, I couldn’t feel my penis, I rarely had erections anymore, I didn’t have sex or masturbate, and I couldn’t ejaculate. The only thing left that my penis was being used for was to pee. And once that purpose was removed, I felt like my penis would be completely useless and forgotten. If it just fell off, nobody would even notice, including myself. Now at least it got a small amount of attention because of the catheter.
As uncomfortable as I was to admit that worry, the other one made me even more ashamed. I didn’t want to get the suprapubic because I felt like getting that tube would be like admitting that I would never be able to pee on my own again like a normal person. It would be like giving up that last little bit of hope.
I think Dr. Palmer sensed that I was thinking that, because he said to me, “If you regained voluntary continence again, we could still pull out the catheter.”
“Do you think that will happen?” I had to ask.
“No.” He was always blunt with me. I guess that was a good thing. Most of the time.
Anyway, I was taken to a local hospital to have the procedure. I was taken in an ambulance but I didn’t recognize any of the EMTs so it was a pretty boring ride. I was only going to be there a few hours and they weren’t even supposed to put me to sleep. I’d be home by tonight, with one more hole than I had earlier that day.
I was taken to the ambulatory surgery unit and a nurse came to ask questions. I’d had a lot of surgeries by that point, including getting my neck fused and having a lot of my insides sewn up and repaired (I actually lost a good portion of my intestines due to bleeding, which is probably part of the reason I was so screwed up in that department), but I’d only had one surgery before my accident. Dan forced me to sign up for high school basketball and I tore my ACL during a game. I had to have a surgery to repair it. Mostly what I remember is how much I hated being on crutches. Kind of funny, in retrospect.
I was waiting around staring at the walls for at least a couple of hours before I got wheeled off to surgery. I had an IV going and while they didn’t knock me out, they told me I was going to get a little something to calm me down. The nurse in the room, who told me her name was Karen, was talking to me the whole time and she seemed really nice. “Are you nervous?” she asked me.
“A little,” I admitted.
“Don’t be,” she said. She took my hand in hers and I wondered if she realized I couldn’t feel it. She had to notice how stiff my fingers were.
“Do you guys do this procedure a lot?” I asked.
“Not a lot, but a good amount,” Karen said. From my perspective on the table, the first thing I could see was Karen’s body, which was fat and freckled and kind of unattractive. But when I turned my head so that I could get a look at her face, I realized she had a really beautiful face. It wasn’t beautiful in that “fat girl with a pretty face” way, but was actually objectively pretty. She could have been a model from the neck up. I always wondered why a girl like that didn’t just drop thirty pounds. A year ago, I probably would have rejected a girl like Karen because her body was so gross.
“How long will it take?” I asked.
“It will be over before you know it,” she assured me.
The doctors put up a draping so that I couldn’t see what was going on. As usual, I felt nothing, but at one point, I began to feel sweaty and my whole body started shaking. “Keep him still!” I heard the surgeon yell.
“Sir, can you refrain from moving?” a nurse asked me.
Of course, the whole thing was ridiculous. I wasn’t moving purposely. I was having spasms because my body was reacting to the pain that I couldn’t feel. I didn’t tend to get spasms much, but any kind of pain in my body sets me off. I had a toenail removed a few months ago and my leg wouldn’t stop jumping.
I guess they injected more anesthetic or something because gradually the spasms eased up. The rest of the procedure went smoothly.
I went to the post-op area after the procedure and the nurses came to check my blood pressure and pulse every once in a while. They didn’t draw the curtains around my bed and I was free to observe the other patients. I was clearly the only patient in the room who wasn’t going to be walking out of here. Most of them were sitting up in bed or standing next to their beds, looking in pretty good shape. I, on the other hand, felt completely wiped out from the procedure. I couldn’t wait for the ambulance to pick me up so I could go back to my room and sleep in peace.
I felt so far removed from the other patients, almost like I was a different species. My life was so different from theirs. I was completely helpless lying in the bed. For example, I knew that I needed to turn every hour or so in order to keep from getting a sore, but I couldn’t even do that. I wasn’t even able to roll over on my own. And the key to my mobility, my power wheelchair, was back at the subacute so I was pretty much chained to the bed.
Believe it or not, I slept during the ambulance ride from the hospital to the subacute. I was transferred directly into my bed and the nurses told me it would be okay for me to just stay in bed and sleep for the rest of the evening. I was definitely okay with that, although I was hungry from not having eaten all day.
That was when I got my “big surprise”, which was my mother showing up to visit me. She’d actually been coming a lot more lately and I was beginning to believe that she intended to visit me as much as she said she would. And she was being really… motherly. She doted on me a lot, took me out to eat, and lately had been helping me decide what to pack for my move. It was nice, actually. Mom and I used to be really close when I was a kid, but that was another thing I guess I screwed up somehow.
The fact that I was really groggy and also hungry was a perfect opportunity for my mother to baby me. She brought me some food from outside and fed it to me while the head of the bed was elevated. Part of me felt like I was six months old, being fed by my mama, but then there was part of me that kind of enjoyed being babied. I remembered as a kid how much I hated doing chores and being responsible. Well, nobody was going to ask me to do any chores anymore. And as for being responsible, that wasn’t going to be a problem. There was no way I’d ever be able to hold down a job, support a wife, have kids...
“Oh honey, what’s wrong?” my mother asked me, her brow furrowed.
I hadn’t even realized until that second that I was crying. I hadn’t cried in like ten years before my accident and now the slightest thing seemed to set me off. I had just been thinking about all the things I’d never get to do and somehow my eyes started leaking. The thing is, I never even thought about wanting a family and a career. But now that I knew I couldn’t have those things, I felt really sad about it. I wanted to be an adult someday. Maybe not right this instant, but I didn’t want to be forty years old and have never even held down a steady job. I wanted to have some kind of responsibilities someday. It wasn’t fair that I was stuck like this.
I couldn’t tell this to my mom though. It would make her sad for me and feel guilty that she wasn’t taking me home with her. And anyway, what could she do? She couldn’t put my spinal cord back together.
“I’m just tired,” I murmured.
Mom took a tissue and wiped the tears from my cheeks. Even though I hadn’t told her, I had a feeling she knew why I was upset. Having this tube placed in my bladder was just another reminder that my condition was permanent. I was going to be a quadriplegic for the rest of my life.
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It turned out to be a good idea to get the suprapubic catheter. The site healed up really well and it seemed a lot cleaner and easier to manage. It was strange that there was a tube permanently coming out of my pelvic area, but oh well.
I was sort of right about my penis being forgotten though. Between no longer having the catheter in it and the growing size of my gut, I hadn’t even seen my penis since the procedure. I jokingly mentioned this to Casey, and she replied with a smile, “Don’t worry, it’s still there.”
The benefit of not having a catheter in my dick was that if the situation came up, I could actually have sex. Score! Then again, I didn’t see that situation coming up any time soon. Now that things were over between me and Deanna, there were no other prospects for a relationship. And I didn’t see myself having an affair with an eighty year old chick at Shady Oaks. There was a small part of me that was seriously worried that I’d never have sex again… or even a relationship with a woman. Okay, a large part of me was worried about that.
A few days before I was supposed to leave for Shady Oaks, my mother came by to help me pack. That is, she came by to go through my things while I watched from my wheelchair. She also brought me a bunch of old clothes from home that I was worried wouldn’t fit very well anymore. The shape of my body was completely different than it used to be, with my skinny arms and legs and proportionally larger abdomen. They ought to have clothing lines for quads.
Marian came into the room while my mother was folding a pile of clothes on my bed. I have to be honest: I don’t like Marian. I know she did her best to find me a good nursing home, blah blah blah, but I hated Shady Oaks. Maybe it was the best place out there, but that didn’t mean I liked it. And she was the one who was telling me I had to go there. Maybe it wasn’t her fault, but I couldn’t help but resent her. Whenever I tried to come up with an alternate plan, she was always the one who shot me down.
“Hi, Ethan,” she said brightly. She had this huge smile on her face and I wished I could smack her. Of course she was happy. She wasn’t the one who was being shipped off to a nursing home.
“Hi,” I mumbled.
“Hello, Marian,” Mom said. Actually, Mom and Marian had kind of hit it off. It was annoying.
“Ethan, you’ve got some food on you,” Marian pointed out.
Yeah, no kidding. Laura fed me breakfast half an hour ago, which was oatmeal, and she failed to put a napkin on me. So there was dried oatmeal all over my shirt and some on my pants. “You want to change me?” I said.
Marian laughed awkwardly. “Ethan!” Mom scolded me.
I didn’t say anything. It didn’t bother me that I had made Marian uncomfortable.
“Well,” Marian said, “I have some news for you. Good news.”
“Yeah? Did Shady Oaks blow up?”
“Ethan!” Mom scolded me again.
“No,” Marian said. She was being surprisingly patient with me. “I just thought you’d like to know that you may have won a full college scholarship.”
That wasn’t what I expected to hear. At all. “Uh… what?”
Marian smiled and for the first time in a long time, her smile didn’t make me cringe. “Reed College is offering full scholarships to two students with severe disabilities. That includes room, board, nursing care not covered by insurance, and other students to help with schoolwork. You’re one of the finalists.”
I blinked. “But… I didn’t even apply.”
“I filled out the application forms for you,” Marian said. “I have all your information. It seemed like a perfect option for you but I didn’t want to get your hopes up. Someone from the school is going to interview you this week.”
I was having trouble wrapping my head around this information. I might be able to go to college? I might be able to get a real education on a college campus and it would all get paid for? “How many finalists are there?” I asked.
“Ten,” Marian replied.
I felt my hopes sinking. Ten finalists and they only chose two. Those odds didn’t seem that great.
“And I’ll be honest with you,” Marian said, “of the ten, you’re the oldest. And the only one who’s flunked out of college before.”
“Great,” I murmured.
“But I think I can coach you,” Marian said. “I’ll tell you what they want to hear. I’ve gotten a few kids this scholarship before and I think I can get you in.”
She sounded really sure of herself but I didn’t share her enthusiasm. It was just hard to believe that I would get picked out of a group of ten. I’d never won anything in my life, much less a full college scholarship. Marian gave me the details about the interview and explained that she’d be deferring my discharge to Shady Oaks until I found out if I got the scholarship or not. I laughed when she told me: “Dr. Palmer is never going to be okay with that.”
“Dr. Palmer already approved it,” Marian said.
Once again, I was shocked. Dr. Palmer wanted me out the door so badly, I never thought he’d be okay with my risking the bed I was offered at Shady Oaks. Maybe the people I thought were out to get me actually weren’t. But Palmer and I had never gotten along. I was pretty sure he hated me.
Marian went back to her office and my mother started putting my clothes away. “No need to pack for the nursing home anymore,” she said brightly.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I mumbled.
Mom looked at me, surprised. To be honest, I was a little surprised at myself. I used to always be really optimistic about everything. But I felt like in the last year, I had been kicked in the teeth so many times. First I had been optimistic that my mom would take me home, then that I would walk or at least move my arms again… now I was beginning to think that “optimism” was just another word for “stupidity.” What I was now was realistic. And two chances out of ten was pretty shitty.
“You heard what Marian said,” Mom told me. “You’re the most unique of all the candidates. Unique is good.”
“Unique is good,” I repeated, “as long as you’re not unique for flunking out of college because you’re too drunk to study.”
Mom was giving me this funny look and I finally said, “What?”
“I just…” she frowned. “I never heard you admit that you flunked out because of the drinking. You always acted like it was because you were… well, stupid.”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it?”
My mother put her hand on top of mine. I couldn’t feel it, but there was something sweet about it. “Yes,” she said. “It’s true. I just wasn’t sure you’d ever own up to it.”
I looked at my mom, really looked at her. She was in her late forties, but she looked a lot older than that. She had completely gray hair and more wrinkles than most people her age. Between my dad, Keith, and me, we’d put her through hell. I couldn’t do anything about my father or brother, but I could change. I had changed. I could be the son she deserved to have. “I’m sorry for what I put you through,” I said. “I know I was kind of an asshole.”
“Oh, honey,” Mom said, touching my cheek with her palm. Although she didn’t say it wasn’t true. “You’ve grown up so much this year. It’s like you’ve become a man.”
Her comment was patronizing, but I knew it was true. Before I was injured, I acted like a stupid teenager (which is what I was). Now I felt like an adult. Even if I could have gone back to my old life, I wouldn’t have wanted to. I mean, no, I wasn’t glad that I was paralyzed, but I was glad something made me change my ways. Things could have ended up worse. I could have ended up like my drooling roommate or even dead. Or like my dad. I wouldn’t want to grow up to be a man who’d abandon his wife and kids, but that was sure the direction I’d been headed. I definitely was glad I was a quadriplegic rather than a drunk.
“I want to make you proud,” I said. I vowed I would do whatever I could to get that college scholarship. It was my only chance for a decent life and I didn’t want to blow it for myself a second time.
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I was scared shitless about my interview. Marian rehearsed with me and I could tell she thought I was fucking up. She kept flashing me these disapproving looks. “Ethan, you have to sound more sure of yourself,” she told me.
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
“You want this, don’t you?” Marian said.
More than anything. “I’m trying my best.”
I could tell Marian was worried though. She seemed really confident when she first told me about the interview, but not so much anymore. She looked like she thought I was going to blow it. I was never good at getting interviewed. I kept stammering and having trouble making eye contact.
When the day of the interview came, I had almost psyched myself out. If my hands were able to move, they would have been shaking. I woke up at five in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just kept lying awake, thinking about how this was my only chance and I wanted this so badly it hurt.
My interview was at nine o’clock, so Casey decided it was best to dress me in my interview clothes first thing in the morning. I wasn’t going to mess them up during breakfast since I was too nervous to even eat. Casey got out the nice shirt and pants that my mother had brought from home. I was even going to be wearing a tie. I thought when I broke my neck, my days of getting strangled would be over.
“Nice duds,” Casey commented, fingering the material in my pants. “Who bought you these?”
“My mom. Who else?”
She laughed and started to get me dressed. I don’t know why it never occurred to me to try out the clothes in advance, but as Casey put the white button up shirt over my arms, I started to get a really bad feeling. These clothes were fitted and my body shape was completely different than when I first got them. I watched as Casey struggled to do the buttons over my gut. “Is it going to fit?” I asked.
“I think so,” Casey said, although she looked concerned. She actually did a stand up job and managed to get me buttoned, although the fabric was really stretched.
We weren’t so lucky with my pants, however. Casey pulled and pulled, but they wouldn’t button. She got the zipper about halfway up and that was it. “Maybe they won’t notice,” I joked, trying to ignore the dread in the pit of my belly.
“Maybe if you weren’t wearing the diaper…” Casey said.
I shook my head. “Oh no, I’m not crapping my pants during this interview.”
I looked at Casey’s face and was surprised to see that she looked as upset as I felt. She almost looked tearful. I guess she felt close to me, after all this time. I remembered my stupid crush on Casey when I first came here and felt a little embarrassed about it, but I thought she felt like she was my big sister or something. That was our relationship. We still flirted a lot, but I never got any delusions it would lead anywhere.
Dr. Palmer walked into the room at that moment to see me lying in bed with my half-zipped pants. He frowned, “Is your interview today?”
“Dr. Palmer, we’re having some… uh, issues,” Casey explained. She gestured at my unbuttoned crotch.
“Ethan, didn’t I talk to you about trying not to gain weight?” Dr. Palmer scolded me.
I was furious that he was giving me shit about my weight while we were in the middle of a crisis. I wanted to tell him where he could shove it, but then he said he’d be back and disappeared, probably permanently. Thanks, doc.
“He’s useless,” I said. “What are we going to do?”
“Maybe if we use a belt, nobody will notice?” Casey suggested.
“You think?” I couldn’t imagine going to the most important interview of my life with my pants unbuttoned. Then again, I wasn’t going to wear sweatpants, which was the only other thing I had. I was kind of fucked. “Unless I get liposuction in the next hour, I think I’m in trouble.”
I was trying to figure out a solution when to my total surprise, Dr. Palmer came back into the room. He was holding up a hanger with something wrapped in dry cleaning plastic. I blinked in disbelief at what I was seeing. “I always keep an extra suit in my trunk,” Dr. Palmer announced. “Sadly, even with your weight gain, I think it will fit you easily.”
“You’re letting me wear your suit?” I couldn’t believe this. I always thought Dr. Palmer was a huge asshole and hated my guts.
“Well, it’s a nice suit,” he said. “I think it would look good on you.”
I felt a lump in my throat. It was amazing how everyone on the staff was coming together to make this happen for me. They didn’t hate me. They were all trying to help me. “Thanks,” I managed to say.
Casey got me dressed in Dr. Palmer’s suit pants and jacket, which actually fit really well. He even had another white shirt that fit better than my old shirt. She combed my hair and even found a little gel to keep things in place, rather than my usual “just rolled out of bed” look. When she was done, she led me to a full length mirror in the gym. “What do you think?” she asked.
Honestly, I thought I looked pretty damn good. Okay, I definitely looked like a guy who was disabled; even if I hadn’t been sitting in the chair, I think my body looked like one that couldn’t really be used. But still, the color of the suit looked good, and from the neck up, I looked damn good. In all modesty, I’d always been a pretty decent looking guy, so I was glad to see that I could still clean up well. “Nice job, Casey,” I said.
Casey was looking down at me and there was something in her eyes that was… okay, never mind. I had to stop thinking Casey had a thing for me. She had just changed my fucking diapers an hour ago, so… yeah, not likely. And while I looked good for me, I still looked like a really disabled guy. Comparing myself to whoever Casey dated, it was probably laughable. Thank god I never actually hit on her. That would have been really embarrassing.
As I wheeled out of the gym, I ran into Deanna, who had a big grin on her face, “Hey, Ethan, I wanted to wish you luck today.”
“Thanks.”
She looked me up and down. “Wow,” she breathed. “You look… really good.”
I actually blushed. I thought Deanna looked very pretty today too. Then again, lately I’d been thinking she looked really great every day. Like, to torture me.
“You ready for the interview?” she asked.
“No,” I answered honestly. “Deanna, I’m scared shitless. I’m definitely going to fuck this up.”
“I think you have a really good chance,” she insisted.
“Yeah,” I muttered. “Because they’re looking for guys who drank themselves out of college the first time around.”
Deanna blinked. “Wow,” she said again.
“What?”
“You admitted it.”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah,” I said. “You were right. You were right about a lot of things.”
Deanna reached out and put her withered hand on my arm. “I was wrong about one thing.”
“Yeah?”
She leaned forward. “I shouldn’t have broken up with you. I miss being with you so much, Ethan. I thought it was the right thing to do, but…”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had thought maybe Deanna would give me another chance someday, but not so soon. And boy, I really wanted her too. I’m embarrassed to admit how much I thought about her. Every time I saw her, it was painful that she wasn’t my girl anymore.
“Will you take me back?” she asked.
“Of course,” I said. Hell, if I thought there was any chance she’d say yes, I would have asked her to marry me right now.
We kissed, but not for very long because Deanna said she didn’t want to mess up my duds. She was great, really great. Honestly, I almost felt glad I got paralyzed because it led me to her.
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The interviewer was a woman named Rose Shaman. Somehow I had been expecting a man so it surprised me that not only was she a woman, but she was a kind of hot woman. She was in her late thirties maybe, with short blonde hair. Did I mention I’m a sucker for blondes? I decided maybe it would be to my advantage that I was being interviewed by an attractive woman. Even though I couldn’t move my arms or legs, I could still move my lips. (To flirt, of course. What did you think I meant?)
I guess I was more nervous than I thought because when Marian led me to the room where Rose Shaman was sitting, I banged my wheelchair into the edge of the door. In my defense, it was a pretty narrow entrance. She looked a little alarmed and stood up as if to help me. “I’m fine,” I said quickly. I backed up and made it successfully through the door on my second try. Yeesh.
“My name is Rose,” she told me. I thought it was nice of her to let me call her by her first name. Also, she did another thing that I liked. Most people either don’t bother to try to shake my hand or try to do it and then get embarrassed when they realize I can’t shake their hand back. (Actually, I sort of like it when they try to shake my hand, even though it’s uncomfortable, because I feel like they’re treating me like a normal person.) Anyway, Rose did neither. She instead reached out and put her hand on mine and gripped my fingers through my splint, about the length of time of a brief handshake. I thought that was nice.
“I’m Ethan,” I said.
“Yes, I know.” She crossed her legs and I noticed she had great legs. I looked down at my own legs, which looked really skinny and crippled under Dr. Palmer’s pants.
“So I understand you want to go to Reed College,” Rose said.
“Yes, I really do,” I said.
Rose tucked her hair behind her ear. “I’ll be honest with you, Ethan,” she said. “We don’t generally take applicants like you.”
That didn’t sound good. I felt my blood pressure rising. “Like me? I’m disabled enough, right? Should I be blind too?”
Rose ignored my sarcasm. “Well, for example,” she said, “you were only injured a year ago. Most of our applicants have been disabled for at least five years, most much longer.”
“So?”
“So you’re still adjusting to your injury,” Rose said. “You’re at high risk to become depressed and have other adjustment issues.”
“I won’t get depressed.” I didn’t think I would, at least no more than anyone else. I really felt like I had adjusted great to being a quad. Sometimes I felt like this was my body’s natural state and that whole walking thing had just been temporary.
Rose nodded. “Marian said you’ve adjusted remarkably well. But still, there’s the issue that you already flunked out of college once. And then your problems with drugs and alcohol…”
“I haven’t…”
“Most of our candidates are quite impressive,” Rose went on. “We have two students with perfect scores on the SATs. One student can speak four different languages. Your high school grades and SATs were… well, you know.”
My face burned. I felt my chances of getting into Reed falling to zero. I thought about how nervous I had been and felt stupid. “So you’re just wasting my time.”
“I don’t believe in wasting time,” Rose said. “I wouldn’t waste mine or yours.”
“But you just said…”
“Marian called me personally,” Rose said. “She’s sent me several students over the years and they’ve all been very good. She told me that she wanted you to go to Reed, that you needed it more than any kid she’s ever worked with. And then Dr. Palmer called me…”
“Dr. Palmer called you?” I had obviously really misjudged the guy.
“He told me all the progress you made this year,” she said. “How he’s never had a patient who’s matured as much as you in the course of a year.”
I swallowed. “That’s…”
“You’ve really impressed some important people,” Rose noted.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just said, “I really like it here.”
Rose smiled. “So tell me, why do you want to go to college?”
I took a deep breath and gave the answer that Marian had rehearsed with me. “Reed College has a long history of fine—”
“Cut the crap, Ethan,” Rose interrupted me. I was surprised to hear her say that. “Be honest.”
“It’s my only chance to go to college,” I admitted. “I want to get an education so I don’t spend my life in a nursing home. I want to be able to work someday and earn a living and maybe even…” I realized what I was about to say and I shut up.
“Maybe even what?” Rose probed.
I blushed. “Maybe even… you know, support a wife and kids.” I blushed deeper, thinking she must be laughing to herself at the thought of someone like me supporting a whole family.
But she didn’t laugh. “That’s wonderful, Ethan,” she said. She smiled at me. “I really hope we can make this work.”
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I couldn’t stop smiling after my interview. It actually looked like this was going to happen for me. Between the great interview and getting back together with Deanna, I honestly thought this might be the best day of my life.
I couldn’t find Deanna, but I found Casey at the nursing station and I wanted to tell her all about the interview. She saw my face and hers immediately lit up, “It went well?”
“Very well,” I said.
“Oh, Ethan, I’m so happy for you!” she exclaimed. “Tell me what happened.”
I looked down at my chest. “Hey, maybe we could get this tie off first?”
Casey laughed. She said she’d help me get out of my uncomfortable clothes and I followed her back to my room. Even though I couldn’t feel much, the shirt felt uncomfortable against my neck and the tie was choking me. I couldn’t wait to get back into a T-shirt and sweatpants. Of course, maybe I needed to start dressing better once I went to college. A T-shirt was okay, but I didn’t want to look like a total slob just because I was in a wheelchair.
Back in my room, Casey fingered my tie before she loosened it. “Are you sure you don’t want to keep it on?” she asked me. “It looks nice.”
I laughed. “Really sure.”
Casey leaned forward to loosen the tie. I felt her soft fingers against the skin of my neck and it occurred to me that she was taking an awful long time to get the tie off. I lifted my eyes and saw that she was staring at me. The look in her eyes was unmistakable this time. She leaned forward and pressed her lips onto mine.
I was so surprised, I kissed her back almost by instinct. I had fantasized about Casey’s lips a million times before and they were just as soft as I had imagined. I love kissing girls. There were other things I used to love doing with girls, but I was always a sucker for making out. I felt Casey’s fingers in my hair, pulling me closer to her. If I hadn’t been paralyzed, I would have had a gigantic tent in my pants.
“Casey,” I gasped when she pulled away for air. “Casey, stop.”
She stepped back, her face beet red. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Ethan. I just… I…”
My brain was still trying to process what had just happened. Casey kissed me. Casey kissed me. And I told her to stop. What the fuck?
“Ever since we met, I’ve just felt this…” Casey was fumbling for words. It was really cute and also astonishing. “I mean, we’ve had this tension between us. I know I’m your nurse and it’s wrong, but I’ve had this big crush on you. I… I thought you knew…”
I almost choked. “You’re joking.”
Casey shook her head.
I thought of all the times she’d changed my diaper, helped me with kind of intimate but gross things… how could she like me? I felt like I was on crazy pills.
“I… uh, I’ve always sort of liked guys in chairs,” Casey said.
“Really? Why?”
“I don’t know why.” Casey bit her lip. “I’ve dated a few guys in wheelchairs who couldn’t walk. But I’ve never dated a quad before. And you’re so cute. I mean, you know that, right?”
I didn’t. I knew girls used to think I was cute, but I wasn’t sure if I qualified anymore.
“I feel like an idiot,” Casey said.
“Don’t.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Casey said. “You probably think I’m some sort of pervert. I mean, I’m your nurse. It was so unprofessional.”
“Casey, you’re gorgeous,” I said. “I had a huge crush on you when I first met you.”
“You did?”
Casey seemed so surprised. I felt like the world had gone crazy. How could this beautiful girl be acting so flattered and shocked that a quad in a wheelchair had a crush on her? “Come on, Casey.”
Casey ran her hand through my hair and let it run down the side of my face. Every time Casey touched me, the parts I could still feel tingled. “In that case,” she said. “What next?”
I was twenty years old, which I think is young enough to be a selfish asshole. If I started a relationship with Casey, it would break Deanna’s heart. She’d never forgive me. But Casey was gorgeous and I deserved to be with the girl I was most attracted to. I was only twenty, for christ’s sake.
Except the thing is, the girl I was most attracted to was Deanna.
Objectively, Casey was unbelievably hot. And it would certainly be easier in terms of hooking up that she wasn’t disabled herself. And man, was she good eye candy to show off to my brother and friends. But Deanna was the one I’d been fantasizing about for the last several months. When I had “wet dreams,” they were all about Deanna. When I closed my eyes and thought about who I wanted to kiss, it was Deanna, hands down.
“The thing is,” I said, “Deanna and I… we…”
Casey’s eyes widened. “You’re back together?”
I nodded.
“Oh my god, I…” Casey looked really flustered again. It was kind of flattering. “I’m so sorry, I never would have… okay, I understand. I’m so sorry. I’m so…”
“It’s okay, Casey,” I said. “It’s just between us.”
Casey smiled and let out of a breath. “Okay.”
“We’re okay?”
She nodded. “You should know though,” she said, “that you’re the hottest guy I’ve ever met. And if things don’t work out with Deanna, well…”
I wondered for a minute if I was the biggest idiot on the planet. But that thought quickly passed. I knew there was only one right choice and I had made it. I went to find Deanna.
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In the next week, Deanna and I had sex for the first time.
That was one of the perks of having a suprapubic catheter. Yes, I had a tube coming out of my pelvic area, but I also didn’t have a tube coming out of my dick. So it was freed up to… you know.
The weird thing was that everyone helped us have sex this time. Dr. Palmer wrote me an order for some Viagra, Casey gave it to me and undressed me, and a few nurses helped get the two of us in bed together. You’d think all the people involved would have killed the romance, but the truth was, we needed the help. And once we were in bed together and positioned with me on my side and her on her side facing me, the curtain was pulled and we were left alone.
That Viagra is some good shit, let me tell you. I looked down and I had an erection that was much bigger than anything I’d had in the year since my injury. Deanna sort of had to do all the work, but after a lot of fiddling around, she got this odd expression on her face. “What?” I asked. “Are we having sex?”
Deanna winced and then grinned, “Yep.”
There wasn’t a whole lot of thrusting, since neither of us could manage that, but it was very slow and gentle. I was watching Deanna’s face and we kissed intermittently. I tried to kiss her really sensually. “You like this?” I asked.
“Oh yes,” she murmured. And I was happy, even though I couldn’t feel it. Just having Deanna so close to me and knowing I was inside her was incredibly hot.
We lay this way for a while. I didn’t come, which is not a huge surprise, and neither did she. Finally, she said she was tired and we sort of drifted off together. Nobody bothered us, they just let us lay there together. Probably not the greatest idea, because by the morning I had soiled the sheets pretty badly, but it was still nice to spend the night with Deanna (who was incredibly understanding about my messy accident).
A week later, I heard back from Reed College that I had been accepted. Even though the interview had gone well, I was still amazed and thrilled to get the news. I was going to college. Even though I had nearly killed myself with my own stupidity, I was getting a second chance.
Unfortunately, I’d turn 21 before the first semester was set to start, so I was going to have to suck it up and spend a few months at Shady Oaks. I was not too happy about this, but it didn’t seem so bad if it was just a temporary thing.
“Wow, a college man,” Deanna said teasingly, while we hung out in my room. Actually, she’d been going to college for months, but it was a local community college and she still lived at the subacute. She had another year before she turned 21 and would then move to a group home.
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” I said honestly.
“So what now?” she asked.
“Now I go to college,” I said.
She laughed, “No, I mean… with us.”
“Oh.” Reed College was not really very close to the subacute. It was going to be rough. “I… I didn’t think that far ahead. But… I think we can do the long distance thing.”
“Really?” Deanna looked skeptical.
“Why not?”
“Well, what are you going to do?” Deanna said. “Hop on a train and come see me every weekend.”
Okay, she had a point. But I didn’t care. “It’s going to be hard,” I admitted. “But I think it’s worth it to make it work. It’s just temporary for four years.”
“Four years!” Deanna snorted. “Four years is a long time, mister.”
“You don’t think we’ll still be together in four years?”
Deanna gave me this look and then smiled, “I don’t know. Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Funny,” she said, “I never would have pegged you for a guy who wanted a commitment so badly.”
“I met the right girl,” I said. “You’re the one.”
“I’m the one? What one?”
“The one I want to…” I blushed. “Marry.”
I think I put Deanna into shock. She stared at me and I could see two little pink circles form on her cheeks. “Wow,” she finally said.
She was looking me over now and I could tell she was seeing me differently. She was looking at me and wondering if I was the kind of guy she’d want as a husband, someone to spend the rest of her life with. I looked down at me body and felt a little self-conscious suddenly. I mean, I couldn’t even move my arms, not at all. I was totally dependent for all my care. That had to have occurred to her.
“Four years is a long time,” she said again.
“Yeah…”
“But… you know, that doesn’t sound so bad…”
When you suggest marriage to a girl, you don’t want to hear her say “that doesn’t sound so bad.” But then again, it’s not the worst thing she could have said. And I had a long time to work on her. Someday Deanna and I were going to roll down the aisle together. I had a feeling about this.
THE END