Feb 12:
My fourth sick day. I haven’t told my boss yet that I’m planning on quitting.
My mother had my father email me because she figured out my phone number got changed and was freaking out. I didn't really want to talk to her, but I reluctantly gave my father the new number. She called me like five minutes later and demanded to know what was wrong.
“Jim and I broke up,” I said.
She couldn't even conceal her happiness, which made me feel even worse. “Oh, Tessie,” she said. “This is really for the best.” She didn't even ask me what happened.
“Yeah,” I muttered.
“You could do so much better than him,” she said. “In fact...”
I zoned out while she was telling me about another guy she met for me at her church. I didn't tell her my new resolution not to date anymore. I didn't think she was going to like it. I don’t care though.
I guess Sandra was also sufficiently worried about me because she stopped by my apartment after work today. I didn’t really feel like seeing her, especially since she’s pregnant, which made me realize what a loser I was, but I felt bad not letting her in when she showed up at my door. I told her I was probably never coming back to work and she looked horrified.
“Tessie, you can’t!” she cried. “What will I do without you?”
I wanted to tell her that my heart had been broken and I didn’t give a shit that she didn’t have someone to gossip with during coffee breaks. Now that she was having a baby, she could just be friends with all the moms at work anyway. But I couldn't say that. It would have been mean. Sandra was a good friend to me. “I just can’t go back there, Sandra,” I said.
Sandra bit her lip. “Tessie, maybe you’re… overreacting a little bit.”
What a shock. Sandra was taking his side. He kissed another woman right in front of me and I’m the bad guy for not forgiving him. “I can’t work in the same building with him,” I said. “Not if he’s with Molly.”
“But he doesn’t want Molly,” she said. “He wants to be with you.”
“Is that what he told you?”
“Yes,” she said. “He told me everything that happened, and honestly, I don’t think it’s as bad as you’re making it out to be.”
“He KISSED her.” That is a fact. How could I make that any worse that it was?
“He told me that she was the one who kissed him,” Sandra said. “And he said he sent her packing right after pushing her away.”
“I didn’t see any of that. I just saw them making out.”
“Well, I believe him,” Sandra said. “I mean, it’s not like he had sex with her or something. He’s been to your cubicle every day looking for you. He looks AWFUL, like he hasn’t slept all week. He keeps asking me if I heard anything from you.”
“He just feels guilty,” I said. “Molly wants him back and I know that’s what he wants too. I realized it when I saw them kiss. Molly is… GORGEOUS. Really, she’s so beautiful. They should be together. He just feels guilty about what he did to me, but I know she’s the one he wants. Seriously, if you compare me to her, it’s a joke.”
Sandra huffed. She actually sounded angry, even though I was the one who had just been basically dumped. “Tessie, you’re ridiculous.”
“I’m ridiculous?”
“For years, I listened to your self-deprecating crap,” she said. “About how every guy was eventually going to dump you because you’re SO ugly. Until the guy finally believes you deserve to be treated the way you think you should be treated. I never said anything because I didn’t think you’d listen to me and those guys were all jerks anyway. But now you’re screwing up the best relationship you’ve ever had. I won’t let you ruin your life just because you have low self-esteem.”
“It’s not low self-esteem if I’m right,” I said.
“Oh god, shut-UP, Tessie,” Sandra said. “You’re NOT ugly. I don’t know why you think that.”
“Because I am? Because no guy wants to go out with me?”
“No guy wants to go out with you?” Sandra shook her head. “Jim was asking you out for a week before you told him yes! You’re oblivious whenever a guy is hitting on you. You never believe anyone really likes you. It’s really, really frustrating.”
“You’re just saying all that because you’re my best friend.”
“Maybe I’m your best friend,” Sandra said, “but Jim is in love with you and he thinks you’re beautiful.”
I didn’t know what to say. I don’t believe anything Sandra said to me, but she seemed so convinced of what she was saying. It didn’t sound like she was saying it just to make me feel good.
I keep thinking about what she said about Jim looking awful. Is it possible he’s really suffering over this? I wish he’d just move on and go out with Molly if that’s what he wants. I mean, I don’t want him to go out with Molly. I want him back. But I don’t want him to be with me out of guilt and I feel so sure that’s what it would be. I wish I never met him.
Feb 13:
I came very close to telling my boss this morning I was quitting. Something held me back though. I mean, this was a big deal. Even though my job is boring, I’m comfortable there and I make a good living.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I keep thinking about the plans we had and how excited I had been. I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up. I should have known the universe wouldn't let me be happy. Another Valentine’s Day spent alone. I can’t believe it. Time to stock up on ice cream early.
I spent most of the day sleeping and trying not to think about Jim. It was hard. Everything reminded me of him, despite the fact that he’d never even been in this apartment. It was a relief that he didn’t have my phone number so I wouldn’t have to worry about filtering out his calls. During one second of weakness, I actually thought about calling him. But then I imagined that maybe Molly was there and the two of them were talking, getting reacquainted and cozy together. That image kept me from reaching for the phone.
I tried to read some of the books in my bookcase that I’d never gotten around to looking at. I realized something: a lot of books have romance in them. When I was in college and seeing all my friends with boyfriends, getting more and more desperate, I stopped reading and going to movies, because I felt like everything I saw showed people in relationships and it was painful for me. I eventually got over it but now it was painful again. I figured if I lived my life of solitude long enough, I’d gradually get used to it.
So I was reading the one book in my apartment that didn’t have to do with romance and it was a manual on how to fix the DVD player. So my attention wasn’t exactly occupied when I heard what I first thought was rain on my window, but turned out to be some kids throwing stones at it.
I got up to yell at the kids for throwing stones at my window like the crabby old maid I was turning into, but was shocked to see that it wasn’t kids at all. It was Jim. He hurled a pebble at my window and I ducked instinctively.
I opened the window and stuck my head out. Jim was right outside the front stairs, sitting in his wheelchair and looking frustrated. Actually, he looked awful. Well, Jim never looked awful, but he definitely looked tired and unshaven. Haggard, I think would be the proper word. “Stop throwing rocks at me,” I said.
“How else am I going to get your attention?” he said, leaning his head back to look up at me. “You changed your phone number. You won’t answer my emails. You haven’t been to work all week.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Please, Tessie,” he said. “Just come down for five minutes. I want to talk to you.”
The truth is, I wanted to talk to him. I missed him so much. But I was still so angry about what happened and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. “No,” I said and started to close the window.
“If you don’t come down,” Jim said. “I’m coming up there.”
“Yeah, how are you going to do that??”
“I’ll crawl.”
I thought he was messing with me so I almost fell out the window when I saw him lower himself onto the steps of my building. As I watched in shock, he started struggling to pull himself up to the next step. “Jim…”
“You can’t stop me,” he said as his butt landed on the next step.
I didn’t want my neighbors to witness this, so I ran down the stairs as fast as I could. Damn Jim, outsmarting me like that. By the time I got to him, he was on the fourth step and I honestly don’t think he could have made it much further. His face was pink and he had a line of sweat on his brow.
I sat down next to him. “Okay, I’m here. You win.”
He leaned back, having a lot of trouble even sitting up straight on my uneven steps. He looked like he was going to start crying again. “Tessie, why are you doing this?” he said. “You know I’m sorry. You’re killing me.”
“You kissed your ex-girlfriend,” I reminded him. “And now you’ve got what you want: you’re free to get back together with her.”
“You know that’s not what I want!” he cried. “That’s not what Molly wants either. She was just lonely.”
“Could’ve fooled me…”
“Molly and I were wrong for each other,” Jim said. “Everyone knew it. My parents knew it, my friends knew it, and Molly knew it. I mean, she couldn’t even stay faithful to me. The best thing she ever did for me was turning me down. It would have been a huge mistake if we had gotten married. And… I never would have met you.”
I didn’t say anything.
“With you, it was different,” he said. “From the second I saw you, I knew you were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know it sounds crazy because I never believed in love at first sight, but the second I saw you, I knew you were the one. You were exactly the person I had been looking for my whole life. I had to be with you, no matter what it took. I was just hoping you weren’t already married or engaged.” He paused. “Of course, when I saw the look on your face when you first saw my wheelchair, I wasn’t sure if I had a chance with you.”
I blushed. “I didn’t…”
“It’s okay, I’m used to that kind of reaction,” he said. “And you warmed up during our first date. On that date, that’s when I knew for sure.”
I shook my head. It seemed so insane, yet he was so sincere.
“I love you, Tessie,” he said, his eyes filling with tears. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I looked into his eyes and I realized he meant what he was saying. He didn’t want Molly. For some reason, he only wanted me. “I love you too,” I said. I felt my own eyes welling up with tears.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little blue velvet box. He didn't open it, but just held it in his palm. “I was so scared I was never going to have a chance to give this to you,” he said.
I stared at the box. I didn't think I could open it. If I picked it up, I thought my hands would be shaking so badly that it would cause the box and its precious contents to break into pieces and float away. I looked at Jim and saw that his hands were shaking too.
I fell into his arms and he kissed me. It was the best kiss we’ve ever had.
Feb 14:
Happy Valentine's Day!
This is Jim, filling in for Tessie. She can’t quite get out of bed, if you know what I mean. Heh.
Anyway, Tessie is attempting to forcibly grab the computer from me, so I’m going to keep this brief. She showed me this journal, and I’ve convinced her that now that she’s moving out of her apartment and into my awesome pad, she needs a fresh start. Her new journal is going to be titled “Diary of a Sexy Greek Girl Engaged to a Hot Quadriplegic Guy.” I think her fans will follow.