I cry myself to sleep after I get home. I almost feel stupid for not having seen this coming, but I didn’t. I thought things were going well with Jude. I thought he was falling more in love with me every day or some bullshit like that.
The next morning, I feel like shit. I call in sick to work and dig out the pint of Chunky Monkey I’ve been saving in my fridge. I’ve been keeping it there, probably knowing in my heart that Jude would eventually fuck another girl on my birthday, and that I’d need to devour the whole thing in the course of thirty minutes.
Will calls at about eight in the morning. I don’t have the energy to answer the phone, so I let it go to voicemail. He leaves a message: “Libby, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Please call me. I’m worried about you.” I think he’s exaggerating a bit and I just don’t feel like making any calls right now. Besides, talking to Will is just going to remind me of Jude.
Jude calls too, of course. I let that one go to voicemail too and I hear his pleading voice on the line: “Libby, darling, please let me come talk to you. I need to see you desperately.”
He’s suffering. Good. Whatever amount he’s suffering, it’s not nearly enough.
Unfortunately, my will power is crap, because when he calls back an hour later, I pick up the phone. Mostly just to tell him off.
“I’m so sorry, love,” he says. “She didn’t mean anything to me.”
“I can’t believe you have the nerve to even call,” I say. “You canceled on me on my birthday so you could fuck another woman!”
“That’s not what I intended, I swear,” Jude says. “I actually did have a deadline. Nicole is one of my paralegals and we were slaving away together and it just… happened. I was tired and out of my mind. I promise you, I didn’t mean to shag her.”
I feel my resolve weakening. I hated Jude so much last night, but he sounds sincerely sorry. And… I do care about him a lot. Maybe I’m being too hard on him.
“Can you promise it will never happen again?”
And he hesitates. He more than hesitates. He waits what feels like an eternity before he finally replies, “I don’t know.”
I’m stunned. “You don’t know?”
“Libby, I’m sincerely sorry,” he says. “I do care for you very much. But I just don’t think I’m into the whole monogamy bit. At this point in my life, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. I never intended things to go as far as they did with you.”
“Well, what did you intend?” I ask, struggling to keep my anger under control.
“Honestly, I thought we’d have a one-night stand and that was it,” Jude says. “But then Will called me up and told me I had to take you out that night, so—”
“What?” I must have heard him wrong.
“Will told me he thought you were really great and I’d be an idiot not to take you out that night,” Jude says. “And he was right… about you being great, at least.”
I am completely shocked. Our whole relationship is based on a lie.
“I think Will likes you better than he likes me,” Jude says. “He’s kicking me out of the apartment, you know.”
“He… he is?”
“We had quite a row after you ran off last night,” he says. “Told me he wants me out as soon as I can find a new place.”
I actually feel a little guilty about this. Will and Jude were best friends. Now, because of me, they’re not anymore.
“Listen, I am crazy about you, Libby,” Jude goes on. “I want to keep seeing you. But not in a relationship. I just want to be with you.”
“I don’t want that,” I murmur.
We’re both quiet a minute. My anger has dissipated a little and I just feel depressed. This is almost exactly the way things ended with my last boyfriend. What is it about me that makes men desperately want to date other women? What’s wrong with me?
“I’ll miss you, Libby,” Jude says.
I can’t even answer him. I hang up the phone and fall into bed, sobbing until I don’t have any tears left in my body.
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Will calls me half a dozen times during the day until I finally pick up the phone. The first thing he says when he hears my voice is: “Libby, thank god.”
“I’m okay,” I mumble.
“Are you really?”
“No,” I say and my face crumbles. Then I’m crying and it goes on for about five minutes, with Will on the other line listening to the whole thing. “I’m sorry,” I sniffle.
“Don’t apologize,” Will says. “Jude was a complete dick to you. I can’t even believe he did that.”
“Will,” I say, trying to collect myself, “why did you make Jude go out with me that first night?”
For a second, he’s a loss. “Jude told you about that?”
“Yes.”
Will sighs. “I just… thought you seemed so crushed that he wasn’t there that morning. And you looked so happy when I told you that he wanted a date. I know I shouldn’t have done it. But I couldn’t help myself.” He pauses. “I’m really sorry. This is all my fault.”
I snort. “You’re blaming yourself because your roommate cheated on me? Anyway, you meant well.”
“I guess.”
“You didn’t?”
“Well,” he sounds a little uncomfortable. “It was a little bit selfish too. I liked you and I knew if you walked out the door, I’d never see you again. So I figured my only chance to get to know you better was if Jude was dating you.”
I laugh for the first time since I saw Jude in bed with that girl. “You know, you could have, like, asked me out or something.”
“Yeah, but would you have say yes?”
I think back to that first morning in Will and Jude’s apartment. I remember seeing Will sitting in his wheelchair, thinking he was decent looking, but I wasn’t at all attracted to him. What would I have done if he asked me out? I probably would have made up some excuse and gotten the hell out of there as fast as possible. I probably would have left behind a Libby-shaped hole in his front door.
“Exactly,” he says.
I feel awkward all of a sudden. Does this mean that Will wanted to date me? Does he still? Maybe I wasn’t interested that first night, but now… I don’t know anymore. Will is… well, he’s sexy. But he doesn’t like me in that way… that was made pretty clear during my birthday dinner. And there’s that woman from work that he’s so deeply in love with.
“Anyway, we’re friends now,” Will says, breaking my train of thought. “And I don’t want to lose you from my life because Jude is a douchebag.”
“You won’t lose me,” I say. And I mean it. My friendship with Will has become one of the most important things in my life. It’s the only worthwhile thing that’s come out of my relationship with Jude. Yet I can’t help but feel a little disappointed that friendship is all he wants from me.
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The next time I see Will is over the weekend, when I go over to his apartment to pick up some of the things I left there. It’s kind of painful, considering what happened last time I was here. But Will swore to me that Jude was going to be gone for the entire day and there’s no chance he’ll be here.
When I open the door and see Will, I almost burst into tears. After what Jude did to me, the sight of Will’s kind features and familiar face just sets me off. He’s dressed casually in a T-shirt and jeans, and his arms look warm and welcoming. The second I walk in, he gives me a hug. “How are you doing?” he asks.
“Been better,” I admit a little tearfully.
It’s been kind of a rough week, but I managed to make it back to work after that initial sick day. The hardest thing after a break-up for me is seeing other couples. Seeing them on the street holding hands, tender kisses, you get the idea. And couples are freaking everywhere.
The second worst thing is music. I don’t know why every song seems so intensely personal when I’m going through a break-up. I was in the supermarket yesterday and I heard No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” and I almost started bawling over the cucumbers. Then “Don’t Dream It’s Over” came on and I had to run out sobbing. But I’ve now been tear-free for nearly 24 hours, so that’s a start.
My things are in a box on the couch. I sit down next to it and quickly sift through a few T-shirts, hair products, contact lens solution (I’m wearing glasses today, because I know I’m just seeing Will and my eyes are sore from all the crying), and other things. “Everything there?” Will asks, wheeling up beside me.
“I guess so.” I shrug. “Listen, Will, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Will rubs his knees almost nervously. “Oh, yeah?”
“I don’t think you should kick Jude out of his room.”
“Oh,” Will mutters. “Yeah, I’m still going to do that. We both said a lot of things the other night that you can’t take back. I think it’s better this way.”
“I don’t want Jude to lose his apartment because of me,” I say. “It’s not… fair.”
Will smiles sadly. “It’s not entirely because of you, Libby.”
“Yes, it is!” I insist. “You guys are best friends!”
“Best friends?” Will raises his eyebrows. “We’re not best friends. Maybe once, a long time ago, in law school. But we’re too different now. Jude wants to be a player and go from woman to woman, spend every night partying, and I just want to settle down and be a grown up.” He takes a deep breath. “To be honest, you’ve become more my best friend than he is. And I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable coming to visit here.”
“That’s nice of you, but…”
“It’s not nice,” Will says. “It’s selfish, actually. Jude may not be a part of your life anymore, but I want to keep seeing you. You’re really important to me.”
“You’re important to me too,” I say, smiling.
Except Will isn’t smiling. He’s just looking at me, his brows furrowed. “Libby…” He swallows. “I want you to know that I…”
Before I have a chance to wonder what he’s about to say, he leans forward and his lips are on mine.
I’m shocked, but I don’t pull away. I let Will, my best friend, kiss me. I feel his fingers in my hair, pulling me closer to him as he continues to kiss me, deeply, passionately. The way he kisses me, I realize how long he must have been wanting to do this. This is months of pent up lust here.
And god, it’s nice. Will’s an amazing kisser. If this is any indication of what he’s like in the sack, it’s no wonder Michelle was impressed with him. Our lips seem to fit perfectly together and I feel like this kiss could go on forever, but then he pulls away and examines my face.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have… but I’ve been thinking about doing that for months. Actually, since I first met you.”
“I…” I swallow. “I didn’t know.”
“Really? You must have had some idea…”
I shake my head. “But what about that girl at work that you’re in love with?”
Will laughs and looks at me in amazement. “Are you serious? I thought it was ridiculously obvious that I was talking about you the whole time.”
“Me?” The thought never even occurred to me. Although I suppose it sort of makes sense. Mia was right… I’m really dense sometimes. I remember all the things Will said about that girl… it seems amazing that he was talking about me the whole time. I can’t believe he feels that way about me, that anyone could feel that way about me.
“Libby, I adore you,” he says. “I’ve never met anyone like you. And if I can’t be with you, I’m not sure I want to be with anyone. It killed me to watch Jude not appreciating you. You’re amazing, you know that?”
I blush because what else are you supposed to do when someone says that to you? “But the other night during my birthday,” I say, “I was flirting with you and you were, like, rejecting me…”
“Yeah, well,” Will mutters. “I didn’t want to take advantage of my roommate’s girlfriend when she was drunk. You have no idea how hard it was for me to push you away, believe me.”
“I wasn’t that drunk,” I say.
“Yeah?” Will raises his eyebrows.
I nod.
Will grins at me, then he quickly locks his chair, and transfers onto the couch next to me. He’s fast at that, very fast, and before I know it, he’s kissing me again, although even more passionately this time. But he’s respectful—he’s letting me know that it’s my choice how far we go. I pull my tank top over my head and his eyes light up as he fumbles at the back of my bra to unhook it. He gently pushes me down and climbs on top of me, his lips aimed for my right nipple. He’s aggressive yet gentle. I’ve been with guys who made me worry they were going to bite off my nipple, but Will uses only his lips and his tongue. It’s amazing. I throw my head back and start moaning.
He takes his time and I can tell he’s as into this as I am. First my right nipple, then my left, then my lips again. For a second, I think I might have an orgasm just from this stimulation alone, but I’m not quite there. Will looks into my eyes and fingers the button on my shorts. “What do you think?” he asks.
I nod breathlessly.
Will unbuttons my shorts and pulls them off me. At first, he doesn’t do anything besides run his fingertips gently alone the insides of my thighs. I shudder and I honestly feel like I’m going to die of anticipation. I’m so glad that I keep myself well groomed down there and I vow right here and now that I’m going to go get another Brazilian wax as soon as possible.
When his lips descend onto my clitoris, I feel like I’m going to explode any second. But once again, he takes his time, really enjoying himself. His tongue just barely touches my clit, toying with it, torturing me a little. When he finally speeds up and applies gentle pressure with his tongue, I can’t hold it another second. I reach out and grab the top of his head as I scream in a way that I never once screamed with Jude. And even then, even after the waves of pleasure subside, he doesn’t stop. He makes me come again, and then again. By the time he lifts his head, I’m soaked with a layer of sweat.
“Holy crap,” I say.
Will is grinning. “I can’t believe I just got to go down on you.”
“That was absolutely amazing…”
He gets a serious look on his face. “I hope I can do it again sometime soon.”
“We can do that every day, as far as I’m concerned,” I say. “In fact, twice or three times a day would be ideal.”
Will laughs and kisses me. And just like that, I have a boyfriend again.